An open letter to romance novelists

[dangermousie]

After reading a bunch of romance novels and emerging with my sanity sort of intact, here are the four things I want all the romance novelists to note:

1. If I never see the word "rake" in the book title, it will be too soon. Unless said book is about gardening.

2. There were no turkeys in Medieval England. Just trust me on that one.

3. "Her core was molten lava" is never a good thing unless you are describing a mad scientist's doomsday devise.

4. Well-behaved, reserved, socially conscious and conventionally gentlemanly men can be attractive. More so then the undoubtedly syphilis-ridden bad boys with caveman manners you seem to prefer.

I did find two books I really like, which deserve their own post (Suzanne Enoch's England's Perfect Hero and Lisa Kleypas' Because You Are Mine) so not all was wasted.

Comments

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

I don't remember which book the lava thing was from as they all started to blend together after a while - it's a huge pity as I wish I remembered the author so I'd know to stay away from her in the future.

The Enoch book I read had a hero with severe war-related PTSD and remarkably commonsense heroine. The Kleypas one actually felt like it involved real Victorians (and shockingly nobody was a Duke - the hero wasn't even upperclass and stayed that way). Both heroines seemed smart and heroes were in no need of reform of their morals and were hardworking. It was very refreshing (sadly, other stuff available on Kindle for Enoch was same old same old, but there are several promising Kleypas titles I plan to investigate further).

[clairiere.livejournal.com]

If you want a good laugh (unless you're looking for mind bleach), you should try All About Romance's Purple Prose sections. Examples:

"If I have to read about petals opening one more time, I think I'll barf right on someone's manroot!"

"I can't remember the author but someone referred to a part of the female anatomy as pouting nipples. Quick. . . someone cheer them up!!!"

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD.

*dies*

[sisterjune.livejournal.com]

See I kind of want to check that Kleypas out now, I've always appreciated how she was more willing to have lower class people or heroes in her books vs it being all super upper crust folk/born with a silver spoon in their mouth guys ALL THE TIME. Maybe I will. *crosses fingers that the hero is not too alpha/macho*

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

He is sorta alpha but I am a bad judge - everyone has a different definition.