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dangermousieI bet this is totally the article that would appear in Dorama Cosmo, if it existed:
How to marry the love of your life
by Yang Guo and Xiao Long Nu, special correspondents
Editor's Note: Our simple 'fancy wedding for the soul' article got a little complicated due to the differences with our writing staff. We would have never imposed such radical suggestions on our readership, but Mr. Yang Guo and Ms. Xiao Long Nu are very proficient with sharp weapons. We have finally compromised by presenting the recommendations we were going to make under the heading 'our magazine's recommendation' and allowing our special guests to submit counterpoints...Ouch, you can put an eye out with those swords, point them somewhere else, you two!
But on to the tips for that perfect day...
Our magazine's recommendation: You know how you have that magical day all planned. Probably since you were ten. You and the love of your life, hundred or so of your closest friends (all with appropriate gifts, of course), nice, long solemn ceremony with people smiling their well-wishes, and maybe your Mom blowing her nose into her silk handkerchief.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Or of course, then there is a do-it-yourself wedding, fighting your way through to the marriage hall, right after the bride had just killed her rapist. You perform your quickie wedding vows in travel garments, while keeping one eye out on hostile warrior monks that are trying to kill you, and add colorful atmosphere to your wedding by shouting 'abomination' and 'blasphemy.' On the plus side, you don't have to worry about parental approval (or tears) though because they are all dead.
Our magazine's recommendation: Bridal pre-wedding jitters: OMG! my bouquet doesn't match my dress. Groom's proper response: it brings out the color of your eyes, honey-pie.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Bridal pre-wedding jitters: You don't want to marry me, as I am not a virgin and am dying. Groom's proper response: virginity issue is irrelevant and we are going to spend every day you have left together. Oh, and also, shall you kick the monks or shall I?
Our magazine's recommendation: Sweet moment during the wedding occurs when he tenderly helps you during the ceremony because you are his precious princess...
Our correspondents' recommendation: Sweet moment during the wedding occurs when he tenderly helps you because you are dying...
Our magazine's recommendation: Your wedding getaway is a stretched limo with a high-class driver, escorted out by your wedding party.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Your wedding getaway is running and performing spectacular wuxia to get out of a cave where you are trapped by evil monks. You travel out in style by hiding in a waterproof chest with an infant your newlywed husband stole as revenge, as he dives with you through a waterfall.
Our magazine's recommendation: Your wedding meal is simple and elegant. Maybe some champaigne to go with that filet mignon.
Our correspondents' recommendation: He feeds you fresh spring water with his hand. Not nourishing, but he is pretty hot doing so.
Our magazine's recommendation: Honeymoon suite? Only the best will do. The Ritz, of course.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Gloomy misty tomb where you and the groom grew up. What it lacks in windows, amenities, atmosphere, free HBO, it makes up for in privacy...Pity you can't take advantage of it as you are dying.
Our magazine's recommendation: Bed must be queen-sized, and the softest matress, Egyptian cotton sheets.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Ice-bed or a coffin will do. Cozy.
Our magazine's recommendation: You dreamed of that special wedding night. Now it's you and him. You turn on some nice Barry White, put on a negligee, and slither on to bed. Don't forget the flavored underwear.
Our correspondents' recommendation: You lying on a bed too ill to move, as he lights a bunch of candles, and jokes about it's a pity that there are no red wedding candles around. So you remember your old master's wedding chest and you find millions of red candles in there, and he lights them all over the cave, and he helps you put on wedding garments and you stare at each other and hold on to each other for dear life.
Our magazine's recommendation: Afterwards he holds you all night as you sleep happily.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Afterwards he holds you all night as you are terrified you will die if you fall asleep and won't see him again.
Our magazine's recommendation: His future dream is opening his own computer business and having 2.5 kids.
Our correspondents' recommendation: His future dream is moving somewhere south to farm, bask in the sun, and have a small army of children.
Our magazine's recommendation: Honeymoon is you, him, and the beach. Solitude. And you in a bikiki.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Honeymoon is you, him, and the bunch of psychos that break into the tomb, injuring him and interrupting the one chance he had to heal you, so now you are doomed to die.
Our magazine's recommendation: The first person to visit is your childhood friend. She brings a cake and causes you to break out in girlish giggles of happiness as you show off your newly married status.
Our correspondents' recommendation: The first person to visit is the selfish spoiled inept bitch who earlier cut off your husband's arm because she was peeved. She shoots poison needles at him thinking he is someone else (as she is lacking in brain), interrupting his process of healing you, the only chance you had to stay alive. You force your husband to take the antidote, as he looks beyond devastated, and the cow refuses to even apologize because somehow it's your fault she broke into your house and didn't recognize you.
Our magazine's recommendation: First crisis of the newlyweds is where he should put his socks. Sucks to be someone with an already bulging sock drawer.
Our correspondents' recommendation: First crisis of the newlyweds is when you leave the Tomb to spend the few days remaining to you seeing some of the world. On the way out you see the stupid cow that maimed your husband and doomed you to death being burnt to a crisp. To help her or not? It sucks to be heroes.
Our magazine's recommendation: Back to real world. You go to your jobs, kissing each other good bye. Busy busy day slaving at your desk. You'll see each other in the evening.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Leave a note to your sweetie that you went to be cured, even though you know you will die, just so he won't kill himself. Busy busy day as he fights Mongolian invaders for years, channeling a lot of agression out. You'll reunite with him sixteen years later, as this is a rare wuxia where things end well.
We end our article here, as the special correspondents have gotten bored with the exercise and holding heavy swords pointed at us constantly, and have retired to more private quarters to make up for 16 years of separation and get started on making that army of babies. Till next time...wait, wait, no! We don't care how rich you are, we are NOT accepting your column on how to sweet-talk girls, Mr. Domyouji!
*******
Yup, I've been watching more ROCH. Just got to the point YG rescued that ungrateful bitch Fu from the fire. OMG, Yang Guo=drama bf.
How to marry the love of your life
by Yang Guo and Xiao Long Nu, special correspondents
Editor's Note: Our simple 'fancy wedding for the soul' article got a little complicated due to the differences with our writing staff. We would have never imposed such radical suggestions on our readership, but Mr. Yang Guo and Ms. Xiao Long Nu are very proficient with sharp weapons. We have finally compromised by presenting the recommendations we were going to make under the heading 'our magazine's recommendation' and allowing our special guests to submit counterpoints...Ouch, you can put an eye out with those swords, point them somewhere else, you two!
But on to the tips for that perfect day...
Our magazine's recommendation: You know how you have that magical day all planned. Probably since you were ten. You and the love of your life, hundred or so of your closest friends (all with appropriate gifts, of course), nice, long solemn ceremony with people smiling their well-wishes, and maybe your Mom blowing her nose into her silk handkerchief.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Or of course, then there is a do-it-yourself wedding, fighting your way through to the marriage hall, right after the bride had just killed her rapist. You perform your quickie wedding vows in travel garments, while keeping one eye out on hostile warrior monks that are trying to kill you, and add colorful atmosphere to your wedding by shouting 'abomination' and 'blasphemy.' On the plus side, you don't have to worry about parental approval (or tears) though because they are all dead.
Our magazine's recommendation: Bridal pre-wedding jitters: OMG! my bouquet doesn't match my dress. Groom's proper response: it brings out the color of your eyes, honey-pie.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Bridal pre-wedding jitters: You don't want to marry me, as I am not a virgin and am dying. Groom's proper response: virginity issue is irrelevant and we are going to spend every day you have left together. Oh, and also, shall you kick the monks or shall I?
Our magazine's recommendation: Sweet moment during the wedding occurs when he tenderly helps you during the ceremony because you are his precious princess...
Our correspondents' recommendation: Sweet moment during the wedding occurs when he tenderly helps you because you are dying...
Our magazine's recommendation: Your wedding getaway is a stretched limo with a high-class driver, escorted out by your wedding party.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Your wedding getaway is running and performing spectacular wuxia to get out of a cave where you are trapped by evil monks. You travel out in style by hiding in a waterproof chest with an infant your newlywed husband stole as revenge, as he dives with you through a waterfall.
Our magazine's recommendation: Your wedding meal is simple and elegant. Maybe some champaigne to go with that filet mignon.
Our correspondents' recommendation: He feeds you fresh spring water with his hand. Not nourishing, but he is pretty hot doing so.
Our magazine's recommendation: Honeymoon suite? Only the best will do. The Ritz, of course.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Gloomy misty tomb where you and the groom grew up. What it lacks in windows, amenities, atmosphere, free HBO, it makes up for in privacy...Pity you can't take advantage of it as you are dying.
Our magazine's recommendation: Bed must be queen-sized, and the softest matress, Egyptian cotton sheets.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Ice-bed or a coffin will do. Cozy.
Our magazine's recommendation: You dreamed of that special wedding night. Now it's you and him. You turn on some nice Barry White, put on a negligee, and slither on to bed. Don't forget the flavored underwear.
Our correspondents' recommendation: You lying on a bed too ill to move, as he lights a bunch of candles, and jokes about it's a pity that there are no red wedding candles around. So you remember your old master's wedding chest and you find millions of red candles in there, and he lights them all over the cave, and he helps you put on wedding garments and you stare at each other and hold on to each other for dear life.
Our magazine's recommendation: Afterwards he holds you all night as you sleep happily.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Afterwards he holds you all night as you are terrified you will die if you fall asleep and won't see him again.
Our magazine's recommendation: His future dream is opening his own computer business and having 2.5 kids.
Our correspondents' recommendation: His future dream is moving somewhere south to farm, bask in the sun, and have a small army of children.
Our magazine's recommendation: Honeymoon is you, him, and the beach. Solitude. And you in a bikiki.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Honeymoon is you, him, and the bunch of psychos that break into the tomb, injuring him and interrupting the one chance he had to heal you, so now you are doomed to die.
Our magazine's recommendation: The first person to visit is your childhood friend. She brings a cake and causes you to break out in girlish giggles of happiness as you show off your newly married status.
Our correspondents' recommendation: The first person to visit is the selfish spoiled inept bitch who earlier cut off your husband's arm because she was peeved. She shoots poison needles at him thinking he is someone else (as she is lacking in brain), interrupting his process of healing you, the only chance you had to stay alive. You force your husband to take the antidote, as he looks beyond devastated, and the cow refuses to even apologize because somehow it's your fault she broke into your house and didn't recognize you.
Our magazine's recommendation: First crisis of the newlyweds is where he should put his socks. Sucks to be someone with an already bulging sock drawer.
Our correspondents' recommendation: First crisis of the newlyweds is when you leave the Tomb to spend the few days remaining to you seeing some of the world. On the way out you see the stupid cow that maimed your husband and doomed you to death being burnt to a crisp. To help her or not? It sucks to be heroes.
Our magazine's recommendation: Back to real world. You go to your jobs, kissing each other good bye. Busy busy day slaving at your desk. You'll see each other in the evening.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Leave a note to your sweetie that you went to be cured, even though you know you will die, just so he won't kill himself. Busy busy day as he fights Mongolian invaders for years, channeling a lot of agression out. You'll reunite with him sixteen years later, as this is a rare wuxia where things end well.
We end our article here, as the special correspondents have gotten bored with the exercise and holding heavy swords pointed at us constantly, and have retired to more private quarters to make up for 16 years of separation and get started on making that army of babies. Till next time...wait, wait, no! We don't care how rich you are, we are NOT accepting your column on how to sweet-talk girls, Mr. Domyouji!
*******
Yup, I've been watching more ROCH. Just got to the point YG rescued that ungrateful bitch Fu from the fire. OMG, Yang Guo=drama bf.
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no subject
Date: 2007-07-30 04:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-30 04:33 pm (UTC)And I am seriously tempted to do a Domyouji advice column :D
no subject
Date: 2007-07-30 04:55 pm (UTC)Dear Mr. D,
I'm in love with a girl & thinking of writing her a love note - what do you think?
Dear Idiot,
Forget the love note - when you want to get a girl's attention, I find a red note of death hanging in her locker to be much more effective. She'll definitely have strong feelings for you by the time the bullying is over.
no subject
Date: 2007-07-30 10:38 pm (UTC)I am sweet on a girl and want to win her over. What are the best things to tell her? I want to compliment her, but don't know how...I want to come across as smooth, not whiny or desperate.
-Mad in Love
Dear Doofus,
Why do you need to compliment her? Telling her what you really think is more important. Calling her 'Baka' now and then, or commenting on her poor economic status as compared to yours, will show her that you are not one of those troublemaking smooth-talkers. She'll definitely know you are genuine...
no subject
Date: 2007-07-30 10:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-30 11:09 pm (UTC)We can pick other drama characters to answer, too.
I feel a comm coming on. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-07-31 02:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-30 04:51 pm (UTC)Fu really is a serious piece of work, isn't she?
I remain amused that YG was all determined to get his revenge and then the worst he could do was take Xiang and treat her like his little princess. And then Huang Rong knew that he was never going to hurt and was all "look, she's not in any danger, but I only got to hold my kid for about 5 seconds before she was getting kidnapped left and right...I'm gonna go get her now so I can get back to my husband and other kid..."
no subject
Date: 2007-07-30 10:39 pm (UTC)Argh. The villains had to have her working for them, they would have won.
no subject
Date: 2007-07-31 04:35 pm (UTC)16 freakin' years of separation. Dear lord, Fu is good.
The poison needle f**kup was so breathtakingly stupid, it was almost magnificent. Suppose YG and XLN hadn't been there. The poison needle belonged to Li Mou Chou, and only her clan had the antidote. Fu and her gang were in a place that LMC knew well and they didn't. It was dark inside. LMC was stronger than any of them save Huang Rong. Had Fu seen LMC and shot the needle at her, the only possible results were:
1. Miss
2. LMC was shot and took the antidote
3. LMC blocked the shot and the needle bounced, or Fu misdirected the shot in the excitement. One of the many weaklings in Fu's gang (including herself) got shot, and died from the poison because they didn't have the antidote
How HR gave birth to such a mentally challenged kid is beyond me.
no subject
Date: 2007-07-31 05:28 pm (UTC)Maybe she was hit a lot when she was pregnant? Seriously.
And the best part is she always refuses to apologize. Yeah, I killed this innocent bystander, but it's not my fault...
*smack*
no subject
Date: 2007-07-30 05:10 pm (UTC)I really do love Yang Guo cos I find him one of the more believable Jin Yong male characters. He's a bit ambiguous and you never quite know with him... plus he looks hot as a 36 year old and the grey streaks! i also like the fact that he's very faithful, he loves XLN and that's it! Amongst the other Jin Yong heroes, other than Guo Jing, i think not a lot are like that...i might be wrong here! Zhang WuJi in Dragon sword and heavenly sabre and Chen Jialuo et al are just hopeless!
anyway, i think i'll embark on RCOH 2005 after DAMO! (hyperventilating at the thought of it again!) though a rewatch of hanadan might be required!
no subject
Date: 2007-07-30 10:35 pm (UTC)I too love YG because he is a bit ambiguous. He is the villain's son and for a bit he made an effective villain, too.
Chen Jialuo et al are just hopeless!
I read The Book and the Sword and was all 'pick one already!!!' (but the problem is solved at the end for him *evil*) My fave in that book though was Scholar Liu (I think, that was his name), the guy who fought with a flute and had a major thing for a wife of a fellow member :) He cut himself for lurve :D
no subject
Date: 2007-07-31 04:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-31 01:20 pm (UTC)i have come to the conclusion that i am watching far too much wuxia...is it possible to overdose on hot men with big swords!?
no subject
Date: 2007-07-31 06:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-30 08:03 pm (UTC)Do you have any helpful suggestions for anniversaries? Are we obliged to invite old enemies just so we can relive those magic moments on our wedding days? Should we get new ones if we've killed all the old ones?
no subject
Date: 2007-07-30 08:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-31 01:55 am (UTC)(sweetie, I refuse to believe he was THAT bad, even if it was his first time...)
no subject
Date: 2007-07-31 05:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-31 05:31 pm (UTC)Though, with those two, thery could have just as easily opted to just hold hands and stare at each other for hours on end even though they were married and everyone was giving them privacy so they could do married people things. They ARE very big on staring as opposed to...you know...anything else...
no subject
Date: 2007-07-31 06:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-08-04 04:49 am (UTC)And ummm.. PLEASE PLEASE I want Mr. Domyouji's advice on how to sweet talk girls. Because that would just be amazing.
no subject
Date: 2007-08-04 05:02 pm (UTC)Re: Mr. Domyouji.