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lesbiassparrow's recent post on romance novels made me remember.I forgot to mention that I recently read Lover Awakened by J.R. Ward, a supposedly paranormal romance.
I don't know about romance, but there was certainly paranormal powers involved in getting it published.
This literally has to be the worst book I ever read, and considering I read things like 'Abolish Lawyer Tyranny' (a self-published rant about cutting off lawyer arms) and an old cook-book which thought it was a good idea to put mayo on jello, that is saying a lot.
I read it, propelled by 'surely this can't be right, right?' feeling, turning each page in growing wonder at where the author finds the illegal susbstances she clearly needs to get the imagination going, and what kind of blackmailing photos she has on the publishers.
The hero is named Zsadist (!!!!!!) and he was apparently a former sex-slave of evil vampire queen. I think I was supposed to find it tragic, but it was hilarious. The whole book was basically an excuse for supernatural porn, but the author would have done better to omit characters and plot altogether, as the former were laughable and the latter non-existent anyway.
The emo made me want to get them a copy of an Avril Lavigne CD and some black nail-polish except I think even that might have been too sophisticated for the characters.
The heroine existed basically the sexually heal our hero (she went into heat at one point, yes. Indeed) and as to the hero, he might have been named Zsadist, but only Zmasochist would want to read about him.
I don't have high standards! I watch 80s Bollywood movies, for goodness' sake. But this book redefines the benefits of literacy. Some people should not have it. The author of this novel is living proof.
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Date: 2008-01-14 02:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 05:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 05:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 03:01 am (UTC)...
That says it all, really.
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Date: 2008-01-14 05:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 05:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 05:16 am (UTC)H is for hack.
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Date: 2008-01-14 03:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 03:16 am (UTC)I maintain that to prep herself for writing, she turns on Buffy(probably season 6) picks up the 2 worst paranormal romances she can find to read to the background noise, takes note of all the really bad stuff, then downs some vodka and gets to work. While keeping more vodka on hand.
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Date: 2008-01-14 03:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 03:27 am (UTC)Personally, I hope she offs Phury(whiny one legged guy)
I can only tolerate him when he's doing things like blowing off his leg or scarring himself to save his brother...
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Date: 2008-01-14 05:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 05:26 am (UTC)Oh, and according to book 4, they rename themselves. Butch(the cop) is now, against all the rules of that universe, a vampire and member of the brotherhood and his new name is Dehstroyer.
In this lifetime, I will never be convinced it's not all deliberate.
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Date: 2008-01-14 05:50 am (UTC)*ded from laughter*
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Date: 2008-01-14 06:42 am (UTC)This is on top of his...never mind.
There is no end to the badbadbadbadbad crack of these books.
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Date: 2008-01-14 08:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 03:14 am (UTC)so, you'll be remembering this book for YEARS. God, I wonder what the other characters' names were. Nothing can top Zsadist!
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Date: 2008-01-14 03:20 am (UTC)It's probably one of the people who scream like a madwoman when Ward logs into the chatroom at her website as one of the heroes(the website is the scariest thing known to mankind)
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Date: 2008-01-14 03:32 am (UTC)I was curious so I checked out her website. Wow. I love how she has a glossary and how she alternates between "Zsadist" and simply "Z". this is great, SHE INTERVIEWS THE CHARACTERS. -_-
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Date: 2008-01-14 03:48 am (UTC)Honestly...I truly believe that the books are spawned of her being fed up with the genre and the fans and going "ok, fine, you want tall emo gorgeous pseudogoth romantic vampires with silly names? I'LL GIVE YOU THE MOST EXTREME VERSION OF THEM HUMANLY POSSIBLE!!" Reading the books and poking around the website(not that I've ever lasted more than 10 minutes there) it seems really obvious that she thinks paranormal romances and its fans are just stupid. The series is really only going to appeal to 2 varieties of people: Those who are generally fed up with the genre but keep reading it and like reading something that's all about how cliche and stupid the genre can be, no matter how much it makes them "WTF?" and the mindless hordes who will gobble up anything in the genre. The people who just like the genre and don't mind(or like) the cliches but who have nice, functioning brains are going to run away screaming.
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Date: 2008-01-14 04:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 05:07 am (UTC)There's also her author photo. It scares me. She stares at me and it's like she's literally trying to suck out my soul and devour it and turn me into a zombie.
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Date: 2008-01-14 05:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 05:21 am (UTC)I should have a dollar for every time someone told me this was my thing. I wouldn't have to work for a year.
...
Can I have a dollar for every time someone has told me to watch Legend?
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Date: 2008-01-14 07:50 am (UTC)I'm using my Twilight icon, just to show that I have no shame. xD
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Date: 2008-01-15 02:27 am (UTC)Apparently I'm the Zmasochist.
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Date: 2008-01-15 03:40 am (UTC)Also, I love how she gets on her high horse and says Twilight is an allusion to Pride and Prejudice, New Moon to Romeo and Juliet, and Eclipse to Wuthering Heights. Oh, and Breaking Dawn will apparently equate to A Midsummer Night's Dream. Um. Sure. Maybe on the very loosest of levels (like, in NM Edward and Bella are both stupid teenagers willing to commit suicide for each other; or, in Eclipse, Bella is a self-centered, whiny brat as Catherine can often be), otherwise...I don't see it.
And keep in mind, this comes from someone who was a Twilight fangirl. But the fandom and Meyer's faulty writing in the third novel totally jaded me. I still love the first two books, but only in the quiet of my own little room. The fandom and the author are batty, and once the third novel hit, I was done. "Gentleman, I wash my hands of this weirdness!" ;D
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Date: 2008-01-14 05:12 am (UTC)meganbmoore might be correct and she might be doing it sarcastically, but you can't tell it because it's blindingly awful and unsarcastic either way. Ugh.
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Date: 2008-01-14 03:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 05:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 07:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 02:32 pm (UTC)But yes, exactly. it's horrific.
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Date: 2008-01-14 09:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 11:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 11:03 pm (UTC)Oh, the humanity! *headdesk*
I'm about to see Atonement - I'm excited because I know you loved it, and most everyone else does, too.
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Date: 2008-01-14 09:32 am (UTC)The names! ROTFL! I have no words!
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Date: 2008-01-14 02:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 10:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-14 02:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-15 02:27 am (UTC)*tempts*
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Date: 2008-01-15 03:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-16 01:11 am (UTC)Do you want urban fantasy recs (I.e., books which often deal with the supernatural but don't hold up the romance as end all and be all) or paranormal romance recs (books where the point is getting the girl/guy together with bumpy creature of the night)?
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Date: 2008-01-16 04:10 pm (UTC)I mean, I made it the whole way through 'Zsadist' and that was eye-searing. I will read almost anything :)
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Date: 2008-01-16 05:13 pm (UTC)If you haven't read any of the following, let me know and I'll lend you:
War for the Oaks (UF)
The Silver Kiss (Young Adult paranormal romance -- my favorite kind. All the angst, none of the smut.)
Blood and Chocolate (YA PR)
Bitten (PR)
Moon Called (PR)
Popular UF authors include:
Charles deLint
Emma Bull (if you like Westerns, she supposedly came out with a fantastic one recently)
Anything in the Bordertown series, edited by Terri Windling, I highly recommend
I have a bunch of others, but I don't think they're your taste. They're, um, well, there's a reason I like horror films.
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Date: 2008-01-16 05:19 pm (UTC)I tried one of Charles De Lint's books and liked it, despite being brain-dead at the time. So yay on more.
I love Emma Bull's 'Freedom and necessity' with an unholy passion. So thank you for reminding me of her!
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Date: 2008-01-16 06:13 pm (UTC)