Some advice to Batman
Jun. 17th, 2005 01:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dangermousieOK, after seeing Batman Begins (yeah, long write-up still to come), I've decided that Batman/Bruce Wayne needs some advice, as his life sucks. So here are the 10 steps to making Bruce Wayne the Nutter into a Happy, Peaceful Bruce Wayne
1. Move away from Gotham. You are rich and can afford to live wherever you like, so why stay in a pigsty of a city? It's not like you can't afford U-Haul. It's nasty, dark, violent and depressed, not to mention solely lacking in cultural amenities. If Opera is the best entertainment there is, no wonder you are mopey. After a few weeks in the hip London or charming Paris, you might even be able to forget your misery for minutes at a time!
2. Place your name on the "unlisted" list to keep Rachel the Dopey DA away. Yes, childhood sweethearts is nice and good, but you aren't 10 any more, are you? You aren't still playing with toys, eating only junk food, or watching cartoons 10 hours a day just because you used to do it, are you? So why be with a woman just because you liked her when you were 10 (even before puberty hit!) when she whines when you have issues, and whines when you don't. Who bitches you out when you aren't doing anything productive AND bitches you out when you are. Come on! You are rich, good-looking and if placed on proper medication would have a sparkling personality. You can do better. You can hardly do worse, anyway.
3. You have all that money? Invest it into therapy. What good is vengeance OR high life if you are a nihilistic, guilt-ridden basket case?
4. Also, rent "Good Will Hunting." Skip to the "It's not your fault" scene and rewatch as needed. While guilt complexes make you sexy in the short run, they will probably give you worry lines, cause you to grind your teeth and thus lose them, and maybe even make you lose some hair. Come on, you don't want to be Batman the Bald. Also, watching "Good Will Hunting" that many times should really satisfy all your self-punishing needs.
5. Deal with your issues NOW (if points 3 and 4 don't work, then valium does wonders). Your parents got shot 20 years ago. It's sad. Get over it. Otherwise, despite the status and the looks, you will never get a steady girlfriend, as no one wants to play therapist in between sex bouts.
6. If your current occupation involves you getting gassed at worst or covered in bruises at best, maybe it's time you took up another one? Parasailing or scuba diving is unlikely to send the psychos after you, and the scenery is better. It's not like Gotham gets better anyway. (Thus, see Point 1).
7. Hanging out with your butler and your car does not a great social life make. Nor does dangling unsavories from tall buildings make for a good way to meet new and interesting people. Hanging out with drunk floozies isn't much better. How about a happy medium?
8. It's Liam Neeson, Bruce. Whatever he does must be right. Got it?
9. If you have a phobia of bats, that means you stay away from them. You do NOT prove how macho you are, nor should you punish yourself, by hanging out with them. If you feel a need for a pet, get a dog.
10. That whole Bruce Wayne/Batman thing. Do you have split personality disorder? No, I didn't think so. So two identities are one too many. I sugest you stick to Bruce and after going through points 1-9 have a semi-normal life as opposed to cave dwelling, angst-ridden, screwed-in-the-head adrenalin junkie. Good luck! You'll need it.
1. Move away from Gotham. You are rich and can afford to live wherever you like, so why stay in a pigsty of a city? It's not like you can't afford U-Haul. It's nasty, dark, violent and depressed, not to mention solely lacking in cultural amenities. If Opera is the best entertainment there is, no wonder you are mopey. After a few weeks in the hip London or charming Paris, you might even be able to forget your misery for minutes at a time!
2. Place your name on the "unlisted" list to keep Rachel the Dopey DA away. Yes, childhood sweethearts is nice and good, but you aren't 10 any more, are you? You aren't still playing with toys, eating only junk food, or watching cartoons 10 hours a day just because you used to do it, are you? So why be with a woman just because you liked her when you were 10 (even before puberty hit!) when she whines when you have issues, and whines when you don't. Who bitches you out when you aren't doing anything productive AND bitches you out when you are. Come on! You are rich, good-looking and if placed on proper medication would have a sparkling personality. You can do better. You can hardly do worse, anyway.
3. You have all that money? Invest it into therapy. What good is vengeance OR high life if you are a nihilistic, guilt-ridden basket case?
4. Also, rent "Good Will Hunting." Skip to the "It's not your fault" scene and rewatch as needed. While guilt complexes make you sexy in the short run, they will probably give you worry lines, cause you to grind your teeth and thus lose them, and maybe even make you lose some hair. Come on, you don't want to be Batman the Bald. Also, watching "Good Will Hunting" that many times should really satisfy all your self-punishing needs.
5. Deal with your issues NOW (if points 3 and 4 don't work, then valium does wonders). Your parents got shot 20 years ago. It's sad. Get over it. Otherwise, despite the status and the looks, you will never get a steady girlfriend, as no one wants to play therapist in between sex bouts.
6. If your current occupation involves you getting gassed at worst or covered in bruises at best, maybe it's time you took up another one? Parasailing or scuba diving is unlikely to send the psychos after you, and the scenery is better. It's not like Gotham gets better anyway. (Thus, see Point 1).
7. Hanging out with your butler and your car does not a great social life make. Nor does dangling unsavories from tall buildings make for a good way to meet new and interesting people. Hanging out with drunk floozies isn't much better. How about a happy medium?
8. It's Liam Neeson, Bruce. Whatever he does must be right. Got it?
9. If you have a phobia of bats, that means you stay away from them. You do NOT prove how macho you are, nor should you punish yourself, by hanging out with them. If you feel a need for a pet, get a dog.
10. That whole Bruce Wayne/Batman thing. Do you have split personality disorder? No, I didn't think so. So two identities are one too many. I sugest you stick to Bruce and after going through points 1-9 have a semi-normal life as opposed to cave dwelling, angst-ridden, screwed-in-the-head adrenalin junkie. Good luck! You'll need it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 06:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 06:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 06:52 pm (UTC)And can you just imagine Batman driving out of Gotham in a U-Haul. HA!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 06:55 pm (UTC)That is such a pithy way to describe it.
Bruce has SERIOUS issues
Yup, and my favorite thing about the movie was that it really showed it. He is no the edge of sanity, almost. This man is messed up in every possible way.
Batman driving out of Gotham in a U-Haul
Well, if he was feeling posh, he could have a U-Haul and an SUV.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 07:08 pm (UTC)Later when Bruce gets involved with Catwoman, you understand why he is attracted to her simply because he's not much different from her. Miller's take on the series was a lot darker than the other comic writers (which was what the movies were using while this one is based on the Miller comics). Bruce's feelings for Selina make more sense when you know how stinking messed up HE actually is.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 06:56 pm (UTC)Bruce, dear, you have several subscriptions in bound back volumes, lovingly polished once a week is what you've got.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 06:58 pm (UTC)ROTFLOL. Love it!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 07:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 07:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 08:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 06:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-18 07:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 07:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-17 07:31 pm (UTC)