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dangermousieHave watched the pilot episode of Star Trek yesterday and had much too much fun. Called The Man Trap it has certainly trapped me, even if I am not a man of any kind.
The message of the episode is: Be careful of women and their lures!
They might look like this:
But inside they are evil hideous monsters:
And will suck your vital fluids out!
We open with a shot of an alien planet that looks like it's got a bad suntan:
With Spock seated in Kirk's place. K/S shippers busily add "loves sitting in the seat as it is still warm from Kirk" to their list of reasons for the ship.
The reason it is not Kirk gracing that chair with his fine fine ass is because he has beamed down on the mystery planet in order to treat us to the amazing production values and his love of color-coordinating.
Kirk decides to give McCoy dating tips as the woman they are down there to see for a medical exam is McCoy's old flame. "Give her flowers and if flowers are not available, weeds are good. Oh, and don't worry about the break-up or the fact that she is married or that you haven't seen each other in a decade. If she has, however, been replaced by a shape-shifting murderous monster, you should probably call a time-out." Awwwww. It's a good thing Kirk is so good-looking because if smooth manners were required, he'd be left with holovids only.
Also, why does Kirk have to go down for a routine medical exam of some planet-side people? He is the Captain after all. Does he want to play Nurse with McCoy's Doctor?
Enter former flame, her high high hair, and her dress made from skunk.
McCoy is glad to see her even if her skirt is longer than 5 milimitersand even if he is forgetting Kirk's love.
She is a love interest of a main character on Star Trek. How long do you think she will last?
Kirk is a little puzzled by McCoy's enthusiasm:
As what he is seeing is a woman of advanced age of 37, with lots of grey hair. Everyone knows you are almost a senior citizen at that point!
At least she still has all her teeth!
To make it even odder, the third travel companion is seeing a blonde with huge hair and huger jaw:
Despite the weirdness of it all, he feels pretty safe however. After all, yes, he is an unnamed extra in a pilot episode, but he is not wearing a red shirt.
Space Hooker Chic at its best:
So is some horrifying acting. This lady better be sleeping with network executives to excuse something so atrocious. The same is true for the blueshirt, to be fair, so perhaps the network executive in question swung both ways.
"I am stuck on a mysterious planet with creepy people. What could possibly go wrong?" thinks Kirk.
"Ahhh, yes, a lost extra from a Biblical Epic can come in and ham at us all day. Ruuuuuuun!"
Here for Kirk!Smirk. I would not kick him out of bed despite odd choice in footwear, I confess.
Alas! In the biggest betrayal of all, the nameless crewman dies anyway despite his shirt being blue, thus giving an opportunity to Former Flame to do some more "acting."
Kirk is as pained by her acting as I am.
Yes, he's been attacked by a giant squid! Or a mad sharpie!
Meanwhile Biblical Extra looks shifty-eyed:
While Former Flame spots the limpid gaze of a serial killer.
I dunno why he is sweaty after running ten steps to the corpse as I presume he must have a fitness regimen of some sort, but I don't care. Mmmm.
McCoy looks concerned at the death. Or the extra paperwork it will occasion:
Meanwhile on board the ship, Uhura is so bored she is flirting with Spock!
I kid you not, she asks him to tell her she is beautiful. In light of nu!Trek I squeed like a squeeing thing.
While Spock manfully tries to withstand the appeal of her sexy sexy dress:
She is all "We just heard a crewman is dead. It might be Kirk. Yet still no emotion. You are cold, baby!"
To which I reply: "Really?"
I just wanted to have an excuse to include this. Too bad!
To get back to where we were..."May I have this dance?" asks Dr. McCoy. Well, no, he doesn't but instead discusses the mysterious lack of salt in the body ofredblueshirt, but I like my scenario better.
Former Flame has transmogrified into another crewman it killed earlier. We can tell it's Former Flame however by the bad acting.
I am pleased to see that we have achieved gender equality in the 23rd century and the age of catcalls is past. Oh wait...
All three of these men are fixating on vital fluids, but while the other two want to achieve a deposit, Former Flame is fixated on withdrawal.
She went in space to become a cafeteria lady! That seems odd but maybe she wanted lack of gravity help her balance her hair.
Or maybe to get a pet from Little Shop of Horrors:
Sulu, for he is cool.
Here for the hair:
Nobody harrasses Uhura, I notice. Perhaps they know she will take their arm off?
Meanwhile Former Flame transmogrified himself again in hopes of luring Uhura for some alone time, probably assuming that if she was desperate enough to hit on Spock, she'd jump at anything.
Hiding serial killer eyes might have helped...
Uhura is cautious because she knows she is wearing red. She ends up saved to live another day.
McCoy clad in clothes-of-emo.
Man, there are a lot of cafeteria ladies!
Former Flame who actually ate McCoy's ex does not desalinate him because of the power of luuuuuuurve.
1960s in a nutshell.That dress is too short to even be a shirt!
More crewmen die, despite not wearing red. Is nothing sacred?
And then, Former Flame finally shows her true colors when she is cornered by Kirk and a salt shaker. She goes from this:
To a slightly less attractive but better acted look:
And attempts to drain out Kirk's vital fluids:
Lucky for us, McCoy remembers that it's "Bros over hos" and disintegrates Former Flame saving the day!
This post has been approved for your consumption by apple!Kirk. Have a nice day.
The message of the episode is: Be careful of women and their lures!
They might look like this:
But inside they are evil hideous monsters:
And will suck your vital fluids out!
We open with a shot of an alien planet that looks like it's got a bad suntan:
With Spock seated in Kirk's place. K/S shippers busily add "loves sitting in the seat as it is still warm from Kirk" to their list of reasons for the ship.
The reason it is not Kirk gracing that chair with his fine fine ass is because he has beamed down on the mystery planet in order to treat us to the amazing production values and his love of color-coordinating.
Kirk decides to give McCoy dating tips as the woman they are down there to see for a medical exam is McCoy's old flame. "Give her flowers and if flowers are not available, weeds are good. Oh, and don't worry about the break-up or the fact that she is married or that you haven't seen each other in a decade. If she has, however, been replaced by a shape-shifting murderous monster, you should probably call a time-out." Awwwww. It's a good thing Kirk is so good-looking because if smooth manners were required, he'd be left with holovids only.
Also, why does Kirk have to go down for a routine medical exam of some planet-side people? He is the Captain after all. Does he want to play Nurse with McCoy's Doctor?
Enter former flame, her high high hair, and her dress made from skunk.
McCoy is glad to see her even if her skirt is longer than 5 milimiters
She is a love interest of a main character on Star Trek. How long do you think she will last?
Kirk is a little puzzled by McCoy's enthusiasm:
As what he is seeing is a woman of advanced age of 37, with lots of grey hair. Everyone knows you are almost a senior citizen at that point!
At least she still has all her teeth!
To make it even odder, the third travel companion is seeing a blonde with huge hair and huger jaw:
Despite the weirdness of it all, he feels pretty safe however. After all, yes, he is an unnamed extra in a pilot episode, but he is not wearing a red shirt.
Space Hooker Chic at its best:
So is some horrifying acting. This lady better be sleeping with network executives to excuse something so atrocious. The same is true for the blueshirt, to be fair, so perhaps the network executive in question swung both ways.
"I am stuck on a mysterious planet with creepy people. What could possibly go wrong?" thinks Kirk.
"Ahhh, yes, a lost extra from a Biblical Epic can come in and ham at us all day. Ruuuuuuun!"
Here for Kirk!Smirk. I would not kick him out of bed despite odd choice in footwear, I confess.
Alas! In the biggest betrayal of all, the nameless crewman dies anyway despite his shirt being blue, thus giving an opportunity to Former Flame to do some more "acting."
Kirk is as pained by her acting as I am.
Yes, he's been attacked by a giant squid! Or a mad sharpie!
Meanwhile Biblical Extra looks shifty-eyed:
While Former Flame spots the limpid gaze of a serial killer.
I dunno why he is sweaty after running ten steps to the corpse as I presume he must have a fitness regimen of some sort, but I don't care. Mmmm.
McCoy looks concerned at the death. Or the extra paperwork it will occasion:
Meanwhile on board the ship, Uhura is so bored she is flirting with Spock!
I kid you not, she asks him to tell her she is beautiful. In light of nu!Trek I squeed like a squeeing thing.
While Spock manfully tries to withstand the appeal of her sexy sexy dress:
She is all "We just heard a crewman is dead. It might be Kirk. Yet still no emotion. You are cold, baby!"
To which I reply: "Really?"
I just wanted to have an excuse to include this. Too bad!
To get back to where we were..."May I have this dance?" asks Dr. McCoy. Well, no, he doesn't but instead discusses the mysterious lack of salt in the body of
Former Flame has transmogrified into another crewman it killed earlier. We can tell it's Former Flame however by the bad acting.
I am pleased to see that we have achieved gender equality in the 23rd century and the age of catcalls is past. Oh wait...
All three of these men are fixating on vital fluids, but while the other two want to achieve a deposit, Former Flame is fixated on withdrawal.
She went in space to become a cafeteria lady! That seems odd but maybe she wanted lack of gravity help her balance her hair.
Or maybe to get a pet from Little Shop of Horrors:
Sulu, for he is cool.
Here for the hair:
Nobody harrasses Uhura, I notice. Perhaps they know she will take their arm off?
Meanwhile Former Flame transmogrified himself again in hopes of luring Uhura for some alone time, probably assuming that if she was desperate enough to hit on Spock, she'd jump at anything.
Hiding serial killer eyes might have helped...
Uhura is cautious because she knows she is wearing red. She ends up saved to live another day.
McCoy clad in clothes-of-emo.
Man, there are a lot of cafeteria ladies!
Former Flame who actually ate McCoy's ex does not desalinate him because of the power of luuuuuuurve.
1960s in a nutshell.
More crewmen die, despite not wearing red. Is nothing sacred?
And then, Former Flame finally shows her true colors when she is cornered by Kirk and a salt shaker. She goes from this:
To a slightly less attractive but better acted look:
And attempts to drain out Kirk's vital fluids:
Lucky for us, McCoy remembers that it's "Bros over hos" and disintegrates Former Flame saving the day!
This post has been approved for your consumption by apple!Kirk. Have a nice day.
