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dangermousieI have decided I have now watched enough doramas to write my own. So behind the cut, follows a brief screenplay of the next dorama to take Asia by storm "God, I am Sorry, Give Me Autumn in My Pasta as I enjoy my Forbidden Love in Silence."
HERO: Hi! I am tall, good-looking and use awesome conditioner.
SNOBBY EVIL GIRL: And that is why I love you! That, and your father's millions.
HERO: But I want to be loved for myself! And my awesome hair. I shall now brood, as opposed to doing anything constructive with my life.
HEROINE: I am tiny, friendly and an equivalent of a cute puppy. I also ALWAYS wear heels. Doesn't matter if I'm in the shower. Heels. And a full assortment of make-up.
HEROINE'S FAMILY: We are poor, eccentric and plucky. We also love each other A LOT and sing kumbaya all the time.
HERO'S FAMILY: Losers! Only poor people do that. All WE do is glare the glares of death at the HERO and make him miserable. We are here to make all the people in the audience who don't have their own helicopter feel better about their poverty stricken lifestyles.
HEROINE WALKS DOWN THE STREET AND BUMPS INTO HERO, WHO IS NOT LOOKING WHERE HE IS GOING AS HE HAS JUST DISCOVERED HIS LONG LOST BROTHER IS ALIVE WITH AMNESIA, CALLS HIMSELF ALBERT AND OWNS A STRIP CLUB IN HONG KONG.
HERO: How shall I break these news to my poor mother who is evilly opressed by my bastard father! *bump* Ouch.
HEROINE: Are you OK? My tiny body caused you a lot of damage. Should I take you to a hospital?
HERO: My angst makes me a jerk. Go away or I will say something vaguely insulting.
HEROINE: Oh, no, I couldn't. My heels have ruined your shoes. I am too nice to get mad at insults of an injured man.You think when you look as hot as dorama heroes normally do, a few insults will drive me away?
NICE GUY WHO IS GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN: I love you, HEROINE. Your charming ways have won my heart. But even though I am good-looking and nice, for inexplicable reasons you prefer the moody jerk. Well, c'est la vie. I will take my defeat as a man and go find someone who appreciates me...Wait, just kidding! I will continue in my hopeless quest for your heart in a bizarre Darwinian compulsion to eliminate my common-sense challenged genes from the gene-pool.
HERO: Your kindness won my heart. But it can never be. I am engaged to the SNOBBY EVIL GIRL.
PAPARAZZI: Look! Here is HERO, the famous actor musician whose father is the billionaire prime minister. HERO does detective work on the side. And some random girl. We will totally assume they are a couple because people never talk to people of opposite gender otherwise.
HERO'S FAMILY: You talk to poor people? What are you, retarded? We shall lock you up and make you change your mind. Clearly, our country doesn't have kidnapping laws.
HERO: I shall never change my mind! Plus, I look hot starving. My cheekbones look even better that way.
HEROINE: As I walked on the dark path to try to visit my imprisoned beloved, a gang of men hired by his parents has attacked me to beat me into a pulp!
HERO: Never fear! I am here to rescue you! I've escaped but I am weak, so all I can do is shield you with my own body as I take the blows meant for you.
HEROINE: *weep* Well, to look on the bright side, even after a hell of a beating, your face is not permanently scarred.
HERO: I love you...*gasp gasp*
HEROINE: All that blood makes you look hot. I love y...
SNOBBY EVIL GIRL: Just a minute! Did you forget about ME? I have randomly walked into this alley and saw you two. Also, what is this I see in the papers about the two of you? Huh?
HEROINE: Oh no. It's in all the papers about us and I am ruined. My family has been fired by SNOBBY EVIL GIRL.
HERO: I shall save you. I will give my body to SNOBBY EVIL GIRL to do with as she pleases. My soul will weep tears of blood but I will look frakking awesome being a hot sacrifice.
HEROINE: No. You cannot do that. I will jump off a bridge to save your future.
HERO: I shall run to rescue you. Just me and my hair gel. And I will end up carrying your exhausted body piggyback. I can save on gym membership that way.
SNOBBY EVIL GIRL: Forget it. I found someone even richer than HERO. You are off the hook, boy. Except for those weird family flashbacks you keep having.
HERO: On no! I finally remembered my deep trauma. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
HEROINE: Oh, poor baby. I wish I could make it all go away. But right after you got locked up by your evil parents, I discovered I am dying of an unspecified disease that will make me even more beautiful. I must go away. Forever. Carrying nothing but a spare set of heels in my suitcase.
HERO: I shall run after you in the rain.
HEROINE: I don't love you. These tears are just allergy.
HERO: You love me! You are being noble but I will outdo you. I will run after you in the rain and ruin my suit.
DOCTOR: Here, if the HEROINE has a heart transplant, she will be healthy and live forever.
HERO: Take mine! Let her live!
NICE GUY WHO IS GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN: No, take mine instead!
HERO: OK!score!
OPERATION IS PERFORMED, HEROINE LIVES, NICE GUY WHO IS GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN FULFILLS HIS NAME.
HEROINE: Now we can get married, my love!
HERO: Yes. *pause* But while visiting your family, I discovered you are my half sister. So our love cannot be after all.
THE END ACCORDING TO KOREAN DRAMA: THEY ANGST BEAUTIFULLY WITH FILTERS, WANDER INTO SNOW AND DIE.
THE END ACCORDING TO TAIWANESE DRAMA: THEY DISCOVER THIS IS NOT THE CASE AND HAVE A CROSS-DRESSING WEDDING
THE END ACCORDING TO JAPANESE DRAMA: THEY WANDER OFF IN SEPARATE DIRECTIONS, TO BE SUFFOCATED BY CHERRY BLOSSOMS IN LONELINESS.
HERO: Hi! I am tall, good-looking and use awesome conditioner.
SNOBBY EVIL GIRL: And that is why I love you! That, and your father's millions.
HERO: But I want to be loved for myself! And my awesome hair. I shall now brood, as opposed to doing anything constructive with my life.
HEROINE: I am tiny, friendly and an equivalent of a cute puppy. I also ALWAYS wear heels. Doesn't matter if I'm in the shower. Heels. And a full assortment of make-up.
HEROINE'S FAMILY: We are poor, eccentric and plucky. We also love each other A LOT and sing kumbaya all the time.
HERO'S FAMILY: Losers! Only poor people do that. All WE do is glare the glares of death at the HERO and make him miserable. We are here to make all the people in the audience who don't have their own helicopter feel better about their poverty stricken lifestyles.
HEROINE WALKS DOWN THE STREET AND BUMPS INTO HERO, WHO IS NOT LOOKING WHERE HE IS GOING AS HE HAS JUST DISCOVERED HIS LONG LOST BROTHER IS ALIVE WITH AMNESIA, CALLS HIMSELF ALBERT AND OWNS A STRIP CLUB IN HONG KONG.
HERO: How shall I break these news to my poor mother who is evilly opressed by my bastard father! *bump* Ouch.
HEROINE: Are you OK? My tiny body caused you a lot of damage. Should I take you to a hospital?
HERO: My angst makes me a jerk. Go away or I will say something vaguely insulting.
HEROINE: Oh, no, I couldn't. My heels have ruined your shoes. I am too nice to get mad at insults of an injured man.
NICE GUY WHO IS GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN: I love you, HEROINE. Your charming ways have won my heart. But even though I am good-looking and nice, for inexplicable reasons you prefer the moody jerk. Well, c'est la vie. I will take my defeat as a man and go find someone who appreciates me...Wait, just kidding! I will continue in my hopeless quest for your heart in a bizarre Darwinian compulsion to eliminate my common-sense challenged genes from the gene-pool.
HERO: Your kindness won my heart. But it can never be. I am engaged to the SNOBBY EVIL GIRL.
PAPARAZZI: Look! Here is HERO, the famous actor musician whose father is the billionaire prime minister. HERO does detective work on the side. And some random girl. We will totally assume they are a couple because people never talk to people of opposite gender otherwise.
HERO'S FAMILY: You talk to poor people? What are you, retarded? We shall lock you up and make you change your mind. Clearly, our country doesn't have kidnapping laws.
HERO: I shall never change my mind! Plus, I look hot starving. My cheekbones look even better that way.
HEROINE: As I walked on the dark path to try to visit my imprisoned beloved, a gang of men hired by his parents has attacked me to beat me into a pulp!
HERO: Never fear! I am here to rescue you! I've escaped but I am weak, so all I can do is shield you with my own body as I take the blows meant for you.
HEROINE: *weep* Well, to look on the bright side, even after a hell of a beating, your face is not permanently scarred.
HERO: I love you...*gasp gasp*
HEROINE: All that blood makes you look hot. I love y...
SNOBBY EVIL GIRL: Just a minute! Did you forget about ME? I have randomly walked into this alley and saw you two. Also, what is this I see in the papers about the two of you? Huh?
HEROINE: Oh no. It's in all the papers about us and I am ruined. My family has been fired by SNOBBY EVIL GIRL.
HERO: I shall save you. I will give my body to SNOBBY EVIL GIRL to do with as she pleases. My soul will weep tears of blood but I will look frakking awesome being a hot sacrifice.
HEROINE: No. You cannot do that. I will jump off a bridge to save your future.
HERO: I shall run to rescue you. Just me and my hair gel. And I will end up carrying your exhausted body piggyback. I can save on gym membership that way.
SNOBBY EVIL GIRL: Forget it. I found someone even richer than HERO. You are off the hook, boy. Except for those weird family flashbacks you keep having.
HERO: On no! I finally remembered my deep trauma. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
HEROINE: Oh, poor baby. I wish I could make it all go away. But right after you got locked up by your evil parents, I discovered I am dying of an unspecified disease that will make me even more beautiful. I must go away. Forever. Carrying nothing but a spare set of heels in my suitcase.
HERO: I shall run after you in the rain.
HEROINE: I don't love you. These tears are just allergy.
HERO: You love me! You are being noble but I will outdo you. I will run after you in the rain and ruin my suit.
DOCTOR: Here, if the HEROINE has a heart transplant, she will be healthy and live forever.
HERO: Take mine! Let her live!
NICE GUY WHO IS GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN: No, take mine instead!
HERO: OK!
OPERATION IS PERFORMED, HEROINE LIVES, NICE GUY WHO IS GOING TO DIE A VIRGIN FULFILLS HIS NAME.
HEROINE: Now we can get married, my love!
HERO: Yes. *pause* But while visiting your family, I discovered you are my half sister. So our love cannot be after all.
THE END ACCORDING TO KOREAN DRAMA: THEY ANGST BEAUTIFULLY WITH FILTERS, WANDER INTO SNOW AND DIE.
THE END ACCORDING TO TAIWANESE DRAMA: THEY DISCOVER THIS IS NOT THE CASE AND HAVE A CROSS-DRESSING WEDDING
THE END ACCORDING TO JAPANESE DRAMA: THEY WANDER OFF IN SEPARATE DIRECTIONS, TO BE SUFFOCATED BY CHERRY BLOSSOMS IN LONELINESS.
