dangermousie | Yeah, tear my heart out and make me love it, show!

Filmi Girl and I watched the "Surprise/Innocence" two-parter. I would say it's my favorite ep of Buffy S2, except that this is the season that has Becoming, my favorite Buffy episode ever. But this is definitely in Top 3 BtVS eps ever, for me.

S/I are so perfect. And no matter how many times I've seen it, I keep hoping for a different outcome and it tears my heart out...

This is the last time we see Buffy and Angel this simple and happy, isn't it?

You know, with all the horrible stuff that happens on the show, from deaths to torture to supernatural curses, nothing hits me as hard as the day after Buffy loses her virginity and the horrible nightmare it turns out to be. The scene in Angel's apartment the morning after, when newly soulless Angelus emotionally viviscects her, knowing just what to say to draw blood without touching her makes me both rageful and uncomfortable and hurting for Buffy. So hurting. Because it's all so real. Unlike a lot of other things that happen in Sunnydale, this is something so close to any everyday life.

And I hurt so for Buffy, much more now that I am older (and arguably wiser) than I did when I first saw it almost ten years ago. Because if she was older, more experienced, this wouldn't be such a nightmare. Even if you loved a guy and he turned out to be an asshole after you had sex with him, but you are 30, and he is not even a first, you'd get over it: you have a shell built, and you also know not to blame yourself. You know it's because he is a jerk, not because you did something wrong.

But Buffy is 17. In love for the first time. She had just made love for the first time. And her utter, vulnerable openness and her uncertainty just kill me. If you think about it, she never recovers from it, does she? This fucks her up about sex for the rest of the show. And it's not just because while objectively she might know (or know later) that it wasn't Angel, subjectively, it's still the face/voice/etc of the man she loved. But even more, once she finds out the truth, of course she blames herself: all the disaster, all the deaths, the loss of her love (whether now or at the end of the season) are all her fault (to her). It is all associated with disaster and loss and guilt for her. She is never ever this open again. She never lets anyone this close again. Even with Angel is S3, she loves him, but she tries to protect herself at first (and then of course his leaving at the end of S3, even if it's for good reasons, puts the seal on it). She keeps Riley at a distance, she hooks up with Spike because she thinks of him as a 'thing' so he can't be hurt. In a way, she also doesn't want a man who is too emotionally invested in her either (I think that is Spike's biggest fault in her eyes, he broke her unwritten 'rules'): emotional dependency and closeness is associated with disaster for her. She doesn't want to have someone she can't live without because S2 made her learn you will have to live without anyway and she does not want to hurt like this again.

Oh, what else. I love Angelus as a character. So snarky and fun. And I love that he is still fixated on Buffy. Which makes sense. He fixated on Dru before and this is even worse: just like Angel has the memories of his demon alter-ego, Angelus has the memories of the human and I bet he hates them as much as Angel hates Angelus' memories.

I love all the Buffy/Angel sweetness before the evilness though. The way they are glued to each other in the morning, in the beginning of the ep. She is uncertain but I love that the "boyfriend who had a bicentennial" is just as uncertain and off-kilter and giddily in love as Buffy. They are so adorable together and so functional and so in love it kills me. Or the way he tries to have the Judge take him instead (and trust Joss to both have that sexy, heroic moment and poke fun at it at the same time via Spike's snark). The way he gives her the Claddagh ring (best purchase the boy ever made seeing that it brings him back from Hell later) and his voice is all hoarse. The way they are in his apartment and he tries to turn his back and how they are so aware of each other and how he tells her "I love you. I try not to but I can't stop" and she says the same. The way he wants to stop kissing and she doesn't. The lovemaking scene. It's all so perfect and gorgeous and so that is how you know it's all going to go to hell.

The older I get, the more I adore Giles, and these eps are no exception. Buffy is so his surrogate daughter and he shows it in his complete devotion and care (I love it when he tells Jenny to get out. I dislike her because talk about stupid). Buffy needs someone to stand behind her like this.

Oh, and Willow and Oz. The scene in the car with them (or Oz asking her out for a date) make me melt so much.

Oh, I could meta about this for forever, but I better stop sometime.

Buffy's nightmare of losing Angel to Drusilla. And she does, doesn't she, even if not in the way of her dream?

I love that she runs to check up on him. And how they are so giddy with each other, as if they are thirsty and cannot have enough (OK, perhaps a bas comparison to use in a vamp show but whatever). They are so in love it's out of any sort of control and they are dizzy with it. Oh, they are so gorgeous and so doomed. Actually, since this is Jossworld, they are doomed because they are gorgeous and functional (she talks out her worries and he comforts but not stupidly and they just work together) and happy. This is a lot of caps btw but I love this scene so much!

I love their friendship. Though Willow so shouldn't have told her to seize the day.

I go nonverbal:

"I said date" Oh darling Willow! And I love how Oz thinks she is so adorable.

You know, Spike is a pretty awesome bf, if evil. Whether gf wants flowers or evil world-destroying demon, he will provide. Other vamps, from Dru and Angelus to one-ep vamps aren't really capable of strong devotion, but he is.

I love Cordy.

Heee.

I love you, Oz! His matter-of-fact reaction to finding out vamps exist rocks.

I really like this scene. In retrospect, it would have been so much better if Angel did go away to hide the arm.

Heee. He is all 'my gf is insane, what of it?'

The scene with the goodbyes, and ring, and her kissing his ring (eeee, he just matter-of-factly wears a ring which indicates he belongs to her) and putting on hers and his being interrupted before he tells her he loves her. I have sort of rewatched it a million times.

Infiltrating where the Judge is:

And barely getting out with their lives:

You know, this scene in Angel's apartment? If it wasn't for the scene in S3 when he comes back and recognizes her and clings, it would be my favorite B/A scene. So much angst and UST and passion and restraint and tenderness and desperation. And his love confession just always makes me so weak-kneed. And the way she looks at him, with all her heart in her eyes, so in love and trusting. And the way he whispers and the way there are tears in her voice. OMG. Yeah, everything is about to go to hell. I need icons from this scene the way I need chocolate.

And it's all about to go to hell. I always wonder why Angel stumbles out? Unconscious desire to protect Buffy? Just a desire to hide/run away from what's going to happen?

Angelus is back. Oh, God.

My evil OTP!

Angelus is definitely a lot more smirky. No guilt complex the size of Manhattan would do that to ya.

And we know he is evil because he smokes.

Twistedness.

Even though that is a brilliant scene, I don't have too many caps, because it's so emotionally eviscerating. But on a less serious note, psssst, Buffy, you can tell he is evil: he is wearing leather pants.

Oh, the look on her face kills me! (I always console myself with the thought that when Angel
'comes back' he is totally going to torture himself over this over and over. But it still doesn't make me feel better).

Game is up. She now knows his soul is gone.

And she thinks it's her fault OMG. It is not! Neither of you knew!!!! But while logically she might know it, emotionally she blames herself so much (as we find out so clearly in IOHEFY)

Her remembering their night together:

Oz's line about Willow kissage always makes me die. Willow is so lucky because Oz is the best adjusted, most mature guy in S2 and I love it when he says he won't kiss her and will wait because he knows now it's only to show up Xander and he wants her to kiss him. EEE! Also, how clever to start one love story, W/O, when another, B/A, just entered hellsville:

Yup, OTP os evil:

I love how strong Buffy is.

The fight with Buffy and Angelus. You know, I realized something after this (when she says 'give me time' when he taunts her she can't kill him). I think what screwed her up so badly at the end of S2 was that she killed Angel. She was ready to kill Angelus, she prepped herself for it, made herself believed her lover was gone and this was a different being, a demon, inhabiting the same body. So she was ready. But at the end, she had to kill the man she loved, and who was innocent, not the demon at all. Yikes.

Oh Giles, I love you and your unswerving support.

And we close on this:

All caps from Screencap Paradise, as usual.

Sorry this was the length of a novel...Also, this was very B/A-centric, but not only were these eps the same way, I confess that with the exception of Farscape no American (or British) show OTP ever hit my kinks the same way.