dangermousie | Doctor Who, I am stunned with your awesomeness.

Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. Haven't loved an ep this much since second season.

You know that little bit of my heart that was left unbroken by Doomsday? Well, Human Nature/Family of Blood decided to be thorough and finish the job.

My.

God.

This is definitely going on the list of my all time favorite eps in any genre and show.

Ummm.

Wow.

Wow?

Wow.

Side note: I did see '42' and liked it, what with the constant hurt/comfort fetish this show has for Ten, and the scene where he actually admitted he was so scared, and oh, the bit where at the end, he was clearly bothered by so many things, but refused to show or admit it and instead was all abour deflecting. That is so his modus operandi: to shut out and shut down.

But what I want to talk about it the two parter. The amazing two parter.

I am still stunned.

Seeing the Doctor as human was...

I loved seeing him as John Smith, who was very different from the Doctor: saner, gentler, normal. He had the most adorable Mr. Chips vibe going.

And yet, the wonderful thing is that the core: the bone-deep decency, the kindness, the self-sacrificialness, and yes, even a certain amiable vagueness were all still there. He was just so much a good person: powerless, he still tried to do the right thing. As the Matron put it, he was better than the Doctor, because the Doctor changed but John Smith died to save people.

But it was the first time we saw him not burdened, not lonely, not angry-afraid. Content, human, lovely. (And after this two parter, I totally stand by my vote: David Tennant for Lord Peter!)

And his story with the Matron was perfect. He was free to care and to love, without all the history, or the worries of uncertainty. I loved seeing them together. And of course, all of it had to be sacrificed. When they are there at the end, before the watch opens, and he desperately tells her he did love her...

The scenes where Martha tries to convince him he is the Doctor and he doesn't want to believe it, refuses, flat out. And he is so desperate and frightened. There are no shields, or cover-ups: he is terrified by the notion of loss and loneliness. My heart broke for him.

But it's like the apple of knowledge. Once you have it, you can't go back. And he tells the Matron he could become John Smith again, but he won't. And he asks her to come along with him, to travel. He doesn't love her any more, as the Doctor, not the same way, but he wants to have her along, to try, because she is the visible proof of his 'humanity,' of his soul, so to speak, a proof that he is not all gone in there (the way that schoolboy describes him: fire and ice and anger). Matron's point though is just...one of the two bone-chilling moments in this. She (mourning for John Smith) asks him whether, if he didn't pick this time and place, on a whim, anyone would have died (bunches of people in the village died). And we close up on his face. And he is silent. That is the burden, the trade-off, isn't it? He can show you the stars, he can save the world over and over again, but because of the very nature of what he is, he can bring destruction. It's a Faustian bargain for him, isn't it? He can't not interfere: heck Earth would be destroyed, But during some of the interferences, people die who wouldn't have otherwise.

Of course, he gets back to Martha and acts as if nothing is the matter. He builds walls. And builds and builds and builds...He is thankful to her, he is kind, and it is the most he can give and it will never be enough. (That is why he is happy to ignore her confession of love, to pretend to believe her when she says she didn't mean it. He is lonely and doesn't want to be without her, so he is content with this saving lie).

The other moment that really gave me shivers is the punishment he meted to the 'family of blood.' He did give them immortality but horrifying one. In part, I think it's a punishment for lives lost, but in part for descending, again, into a personal hell. And what gave me the shivers is that the reason he hid as a human was...because he was being kind. He didn't want to destroy them, and he knew any confrontation would end with their death. He is tired of loss and death and destruction, but even his attempts to avoid it just bring more death.

Martha continues not to interest me (I think if this is the case by ep 9 of 13, I am just a lost cause where she is concerned) but on a level, I feel sorry for her: she loves a man who can never reciprocate. In his normal, Doctor state, he is mourning/missing Rose and as John Smith he falls for the Matron. He is free of the burden of Rose as a human with no past, and yet it is never Martha. I loved the look on Martha's face when the Matron discovers the drawing of Rose and his notes on her in his journal (he keeps a journal of dreams, because some of his real past comes to him that way) and Doctor is all 'I call her Rose.' Even in his dreams, it is not Martha he remembers, not really, but still Rose. (The D/R shipper in me squeed like mad at that scene). It's the look of a disappointment that is painful but used to. And then of course, as human he loves and kisses another.

Martha is living with ghosts, whatever state he is in, and that must be hard.

Oh, that bit where he saw what his life could have been as he stayed as a human, and he wanted it so badly? I died. I died.

Anyway, this was amazing and broke my heart. So many many many ways.

I bring you caps:

Planning the human thing:

Martha the Maid:

I love his room. Seriously.

This is because (a) I am shallow and (b) John Smith is adorable:

How very Mr. Chips:

Matron and John Smith. Seriously, so cute.

Heeee. "We are not a fish" has clearly not been taught on Gallifrey:

Cuteness:

Marthus Interruptus:

OMG. *squee* 'John Smith' remembers his 'dreams'

Shots from his diary of 'dreams':

He shows it to the Matron:

Rose's page. OMG. I think I sort of died and went to shippy heaven there. (Whatever, I am a Doctor/Rose shipper. As if you had any doubt). I find the whole repeated 'she keeps walking away from me' incredibly, incredibly sad.