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dangermousieI bet this is totally the article that would appear in Dorama Cosmo, if it existed:
How to marry the love of your life
by Yang Guo and Xiao Long Nu, special correspondents
Editor's Note: Our simple 'fancy wedding for the soul' article got a little complicated due to the differences with our writing staff. We would have never imposed such radical suggestions on our readership, but Mr. Yang Guo and Ms. Xiao Long Nu are very proficient with sharp weapons. We have finally compromised by presenting the recommendations we were going to make under the heading 'our magazine's recommendation' and allowing our special guests to submit counterpoints...Ouch, you can put an eye out with those swords, point them somewhere else, you two!
But on to the tips for that perfect day...
Our magazine's recommendation: You know how you have that magical day all planned. Probably since you were ten. You and the love of your life, hundred or so of your closest friends (all with appropriate gifts, of course), nice, long solemn ceremony with people smiling their well-wishes, and maybe your Mom blowing her nose into her silk handkerchief.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Or of course, then there is a do-it-yourself wedding, fighting your way through to the marriage hall, right after the bride had just killed her rapist. You perform your quickie wedding vows in travel garments, while keeping one eye out on hostile warrior monks that are trying to kill you, and add colorful atmosphere to your wedding by shouting 'abomination' and 'blasphemy.' On the plus side, you don't have to worry about parental approval (or tears) though because they are all dead.
Our magazine's recommendation: Bridal pre-wedding jitters: OMG! my bouquet doesn't match my dress. Groom's proper response: it brings out the color of your eyes, honey-pie.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Bridal pre-wedding jitters: You don't want to marry me, as I am not a virgin and am dying. Groom's proper response: virginity issue is irrelevant and we are going to spend every day you have left together. Oh, and also, shall you kick the monks or shall I?
Our magazine's recommendation: Sweet moment during the wedding occurs when he tenderly helps you during the ceremony because you are his precious princess...
Our correspondents' recommendation: Sweet moment during the wedding occurs when he tenderly helps you because you are dying...
Our magazine's recommendation: Your wedding getaway is a stretched limo with a high-class driver, escorted out by your wedding party.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Your wedding getaway is running and performing spectacular wuxia to get out of a cave where you are trapped by evil monks. You travel out in style by hiding in a waterproof chest with an infant your newlywed husband stole as revenge, as he dives with you through a waterfall.
Our magazine's recommendation: Your wedding meal is simple and elegant. Maybe some champaigne to go with that filet mignon.
Our correspondents' recommendation: He feeds you fresh spring water with his hand. Not nourishing, but he is pretty hot doing so.
Our magazine's recommendation: Honeymoon suite? Only the best will do. The Ritz, of course.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Gloomy misty tomb where you and the groom grew up. What it lacks in windows, amenities, atmosphere, free HBO, it makes up for in privacy...Pity you can't take advantage of it as you are dying.
Our magazine's recommendation: Bed must be queen-sized, and the softest matress, Egyptian cotton sheets.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Ice-bed or a coffin will do. Cozy.
Our magazine's recommendation: You dreamed of that special wedding night. Now it's you and him. You turn on some nice Barry White, put on a negligee, and slither on to bed. Don't forget the flavored underwear.
Our correspondents' recommendation: You lying on a bed too ill to move, as he lights a bunch of candles, and jokes about it's a pity that there are no red wedding candles around. So you remember your old master's wedding chest and you find millions of red candles in there, and he lights them all over the cave, and he helps you put on wedding garments and you stare at each other and hold on to each other for dear life.
Our magazine's recommendation: Afterwards he holds you all night as you sleep happily.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Afterwards he holds you all night as you are terrified you will die if you fall asleep and won't see him again.
Our magazine's recommendation: His future dream is opening his own computer business and having 2.5 kids.
Our correspondents' recommendation: His future dream is moving somewhere south to farm, bask in the sun, and have a small army of children.
Our magazine's recommendation: Honeymoon is you, him, and the beach. Solitude. And you in a bikiki.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Honeymoon is you, him, and the bunch of psychos that break into the tomb, injuring him and interrupting the one chance he had to heal you, so now you are doomed to die.
Our magazine's recommendation: The first person to visit is your childhood friend. She brings a cake and causes you to break out in girlish giggles of happiness as you show off your newly married status.
Our correspondents' recommendation: The first person to visit is the selfish spoiled inept bitch who earlier cut off your husband's arm because she was peeved. She shoots poison needles at him thinking he is someone else (as she is lacking in brain), interrupting his process of healing you, the only chance you had to stay alive. You force your husband to take the antidote, as he looks beyond devastated, and the cow refuses to even apologize because somehow it's your fault she broke into your house and didn't recognize you.
Our magazine's recommendation: First crisis of the newlyweds is where he should put his socks. Sucks to be someone with an already bulging sock drawer.
Our correspondents' recommendation: First crisis of the newlyweds is when you leave the Tomb to spend the few days remaining to you seeing some of the world. On the way out you see the stupid cow that maimed your husband and doomed you to death being burnt to a crisp. To help her or not? It sucks to be heroes.
Our magazine's recommendation: Back to real world. You go to your jobs, kissing each other good bye. Busy busy day slaving at your desk. You'll see each other in the evening.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Leave a note to your sweetie that you went to be cured, even though you know you will die, just so he won't kill himself. Busy busy day as he fights Mongolian invaders for years, channeling a lot of agression out. You'll reunite with him sixteen years later, as this is a rare wuxia where things end well.
We end our article here, as the special correspondents have gotten bored with the exercise and holding heavy swords pointed at us constantly, and have retired to more private quarters to make up for 16 years of separation and get started on making that army of babies. Till next time...wait, wait, no! We don't care how rich you are, we are NOT accepting your column on how to sweet-talk girls, Mr. Domyouji!
*******
Yup, I've been watching more ROCH. Just got to the point YG rescued that ungrateful bitch Fu from the fire. OMG, Yang Guo=drama bf.
How to marry the love of your life
by Yang Guo and Xiao Long Nu, special correspondents
Editor's Note: Our simple 'fancy wedding for the soul' article got a little complicated due to the differences with our writing staff. We would have never imposed such radical suggestions on our readership, but Mr. Yang Guo and Ms. Xiao Long Nu are very proficient with sharp weapons. We have finally compromised by presenting the recommendations we were going to make under the heading 'our magazine's recommendation' and allowing our special guests to submit counterpoints...Ouch, you can put an eye out with those swords, point them somewhere else, you two!
But on to the tips for that perfect day...
Our magazine's recommendation: You know how you have that magical day all planned. Probably since you were ten. You and the love of your life, hundred or so of your closest friends (all with appropriate gifts, of course), nice, long solemn ceremony with people smiling their well-wishes, and maybe your Mom blowing her nose into her silk handkerchief.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Or of course, then there is a do-it-yourself wedding, fighting your way through to the marriage hall, right after the bride had just killed her rapist. You perform your quickie wedding vows in travel garments, while keeping one eye out on hostile warrior monks that are trying to kill you, and add colorful atmosphere to your wedding by shouting 'abomination' and 'blasphemy.' On the plus side, you don't have to worry about parental approval (or tears) though because they are all dead.
Our magazine's recommendation: Bridal pre-wedding jitters: OMG! my bouquet doesn't match my dress. Groom's proper response: it brings out the color of your eyes, honey-pie.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Bridal pre-wedding jitters: You don't want to marry me, as I am not a virgin and am dying. Groom's proper response: virginity issue is irrelevant and we are going to spend every day you have left together. Oh, and also, shall you kick the monks or shall I?
Our magazine's recommendation: Sweet moment during the wedding occurs when he tenderly helps you during the ceremony because you are his precious princess...
Our correspondents' recommendation: Sweet moment during the wedding occurs when he tenderly helps you because you are dying...
Our magazine's recommendation: Your wedding getaway is a stretched limo with a high-class driver, escorted out by your wedding party.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Your wedding getaway is running and performing spectacular wuxia to get out of a cave where you are trapped by evil monks. You travel out in style by hiding in a waterproof chest with an infant your newlywed husband stole as revenge, as he dives with you through a waterfall.
Our magazine's recommendation: Your wedding meal is simple and elegant. Maybe some champaigne to go with that filet mignon.
Our correspondents' recommendation: He feeds you fresh spring water with his hand. Not nourishing, but he is pretty hot doing so.
Our magazine's recommendation: Honeymoon suite? Only the best will do. The Ritz, of course.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Gloomy misty tomb where you and the groom grew up. What it lacks in windows, amenities, atmosphere, free HBO, it makes up for in privacy...Pity you can't take advantage of it as you are dying.
Our magazine's recommendation: Bed must be queen-sized, and the softest matress, Egyptian cotton sheets.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Ice-bed or a coffin will do. Cozy.
Our magazine's recommendation: You dreamed of that special wedding night. Now it's you and him. You turn on some nice Barry White, put on a negligee, and slither on to bed. Don't forget the flavored underwear.
Our correspondents' recommendation: You lying on a bed too ill to move, as he lights a bunch of candles, and jokes about it's a pity that there are no red wedding candles around. So you remember your old master's wedding chest and you find millions of red candles in there, and he lights them all over the cave, and he helps you put on wedding garments and you stare at each other and hold on to each other for dear life.
Our magazine's recommendation: Afterwards he holds you all night as you sleep happily.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Afterwards he holds you all night as you are terrified you will die if you fall asleep and won't see him again.
Our magazine's recommendation: His future dream is opening his own computer business and having 2.5 kids.
Our correspondents' recommendation: His future dream is moving somewhere south to farm, bask in the sun, and have a small army of children.
Our magazine's recommendation: Honeymoon is you, him, and the beach. Solitude. And you in a bikiki.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Honeymoon is you, him, and the bunch of psychos that break into the tomb, injuring him and interrupting the one chance he had to heal you, so now you are doomed to die.
Our magazine's recommendation: The first person to visit is your childhood friend. She brings a cake and causes you to break out in girlish giggles of happiness as you show off your newly married status.
Our correspondents' recommendation: The first person to visit is the selfish spoiled inept bitch who earlier cut off your husband's arm because she was peeved. She shoots poison needles at him thinking he is someone else (as she is lacking in brain), interrupting his process of healing you, the only chance you had to stay alive. You force your husband to take the antidote, as he looks beyond devastated, and the cow refuses to even apologize because somehow it's your fault she broke into your house and didn't recognize you.
Our magazine's recommendation: First crisis of the newlyweds is where he should put his socks. Sucks to be someone with an already bulging sock drawer.
Our correspondents' recommendation: First crisis of the newlyweds is when you leave the Tomb to spend the few days remaining to you seeing some of the world. On the way out you see the stupid cow that maimed your husband and doomed you to death being burnt to a crisp. To help her or not? It sucks to be heroes.
Our magazine's recommendation: Back to real world. You go to your jobs, kissing each other good bye. Busy busy day slaving at your desk. You'll see each other in the evening.
Our correspondents' recommendation: Leave a note to your sweetie that you went to be cured, even though you know you will die, just so he won't kill himself. Busy busy day as he fights Mongolian invaders for years, channeling a lot of agression out. You'll reunite with him sixteen years later, as this is a rare wuxia where things end well.
We end our article here, as the special correspondents have gotten bored with the exercise and holding heavy swords pointed at us constantly, and have retired to more private quarters to make up for 16 years of separation and get started on making that army of babies. Till next time...wait, wait, no! We don't care how rich you are, we are NOT accepting your column on how to sweet-talk girls, Mr. Domyouji!
*******
Yup, I've been watching more ROCH. Just got to the point YG rescued that ungrateful bitch Fu from the fire. OMG, Yang Guo=drama bf.
