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dangermousieNote: This is a PARODY. If you loved the movie, I give you fair warning to stay away.
ACT I
MEET THETEEN STEREOTYPES DEEP ORIGINAL CHARACTERS
BRIDGET: Hi! You should like me because I am busty, tall, and aggressive. I must be cool because everyone says I am.
LENA: Hi! I have no looks, no personality, and no taste in clothes. I am the real underdog here, so you should like me.
TIBBY: Hi! You should like me because I am a Goth. By that I mean, my hair is a bit ratty, I don't wear flowery clothes and I think people are kinda mean.I am to a real Goth what Velveeta is to cheese
CARMEN: Hi! You should like me because I am Latina.also if you don't, I'll throw a rock at you.
ALL TOGETHER: We have nothing in common but we are the bestest friends ever. Because the author says so.
ALL: Go to thrift shop, and participate in lengthy EXPOSITION which establishes that LENA is off to GREECE (will anyone notice she is gone?), BRIDGET is off to an-all girls SOCCER CAMP (AUDIENCE briefly hopes for a Lesbian subplot. AUDIENCE remembers which movie this is, and the hope dies), CARMEN is off to visit her WHITEBREAD FATHER in SOUTH CAROLINA where she willget lynched learn a valuable lesson about family, and TIBBY will work in WalmartWallman, because she is Q-U-I-R-K-Y.
ALL: find a pair of genes which fits LENA, BRIDGET and TIBBY
CARMEN: I will not try them on.Because I am Latina I also eat a sandwich now and then, unlike the rest of you, so I am not anorexic curvy. That, and I am LATINA. I am just pointing it out now, since it will be pointed out for the REST of the MOVIE.
TRAVELING PANTS: fit them all and are doomed to serve as an exuse to connect four unconnected stories by being shipped around, as product placement for USPS
ALL: Perform minor breaking and entering, also bond in a sisterly way that is so estrogen heavy, women in the audience start to OVULATE.
ACT II
BRIDGET IS ABIMBO WHOLESOME YET TROUBLED GIRL
DANGERMOUSIE: I will narrate each GIRL's story separately to save brain cells. Enough of them have perished during the viewing.
BRIDGET: SOCCER CAMP! Yay!
SOCCER GIRLS: Irrelevant conversation to prolong running time.
AUDIENCE: *frets* Are there going to be lesbians?
BRIDGET: And there is apparently onePLOT POINT Hot Blond Male Coach, ERIC.
AUDIENCE: *sighs, disappointed*
PRODUCERS: A bit more of this, and we could use this flick as torture for hostile aliens!
BRIDGET: I will now prove that I am deeply troubled and fragile by being aggressive, really good at soccer, interacting well with my peers, and REALLY going after attractive and sweet ERIC, who any straight woman with eyes would find hot.
AUDIENCE: *meek* We thought if you were troubled and fragile, you would wear bizarre clothing, have body piercings, do drugs, have disturbing sexual habits, and contemplate prostitution as a career path out of self-loathing. Sort of like thatHot Lord Vader kid in Life as a House.
DANGERMOUSIE: Yes, I will bring Hayden Christensen into everything. Why do you ask?
BRIDGET: I am troubled, because I say so. All sexually aggressive and confident women are troubled. Besides, I am clearly 30 but I think I am 17. Is that troubled enough for ya?
*SHE then proceeds to do everything but force ERIC to receive a blow job. Exhausted, he gives in and they have SEX on the beach.*
BRIDGET:Wait, if I am a virgin I am not on the pill. And there is nowhere to buy condoms. And if you came out with no intention of sex, I doubt YOU brought any. So, I think I have even bigger problems now, buddy! Woe, I had sex for all the wrong reasons.
ERIC: Even though you chased me until I had nowhere left to run, this is somehow my fault. You area crazy stalker amazing, and when you are twenty, I hope you'll get therapy you will give me a chance.
ACT III
LENA IS ADEAD BORE SENSITIVE ARTIST
LENA: I am on a picture-perfect Greek island. I am cute because I cannot ride a donkey and because I have a huge family who WE NEVER SEE AGAIN
FAMILY: Yeah. It's tough finding work when you are left over from MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING
LENA: I am an artist therefore I will sketch. This will give me depth that I sorely need. Alas, it cannot give me drawing talent.
DEUS EX MACHINA: To make the movie end sometime before the next millennium, I will push LENA into the water. Also, maybe she will DROWN. Win-win here, people.
KOSTAS: I will rescue you!
AUDIENCE: *boos*
LENA: Maintains lack of personality. Also, grimaces at a fish KOSTAS hands her, jealous because the FISH is upstaging her with its screen presence.
KOSTAS: Even though I am older, attractive, with a nice personality and apparently an undamaged brain, I am going to ask you out and keep on asking, even though you have all the good points of that really smelly fish you just released. Only you can't swim as well. I will persist even though you refuse.
LENA: We will go on a romantic moonlit date on your boat, and I will talk about my three best friends, whom you've never met, in great detail.
KOSTAS: I will listen attentively because Iwant to get in your pants find all this so interesting.
LENA'S FAMILY: OMG! He is from a family we have a quaint picturesque feud with. So you can never see him. Or else we will do to you what Amrish Puri did to his victims in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.
DANGERMOUSIE: First she is in picturesque Greece. Now there is a star-crossed feud. For some reason I am getting flashbacks to BOLLYWOOD.
AUDIENCE: Plot and conflict at last!
LENA: But pleeeeeaaaase. He's cute.
LENA'S FAMILY: OK.
AUDIENCE: Nooooooooooooooooo!
PRODUCERS: Suckers!
ACT IV
TIBBY LEARNSNOTHING USEFUL THE MEANING OF LIFE
TIBBY: I am in need of a life lesson. Because I think a lot of people are losers. Which is, OMG, so evil!
BAILEY: I am a cute, angelic 12-year old.I am dying. My one purpose in life is to teach you a lesson about niceness. Which is incredibly insulting! Also, like all twelve year olds, I discourse in Chicken Soup platitudes on the meaning of life.
TIBBY: Bugger off! Can't you see I am an auteur because I have a video camera and my hair is a bit blue?
BAILEY: I am dying ofmysterious movie disease which makes me extra pretty, and lets me run around and keep all my hair leukemia. Also, my parents never seem to be around, even when I am in the hospital, dying, or when I spend the whole day with a strange chick who could be a serial killer, for all they know.
TIBBY: Oh. Let's play and be sisters.
BAILEY: *Dies*
ACT V
CARMEN IS ABITCH FEISTY YOUNG LADY
CARMEN: Dad, how come you are completely whitebread and skinny, and MOM is skinny and also really light, but I look like I am auditioning for aLatina stereotype West Side Story?
DAD: .....
STEPMOM: Hi! We are your new family! I am nice and Southern, and so are my two children. The son is alsokinda hot quiet.
CARMEN: *Rage* How dare you have a Mexican maid in your house? How dare you make me your bridesmaid and then tell the seamstress to let the dress out when it proves to be too small???!!! Also, I hit your son in the head playing tennisbecause I was pissed as an accident, and you are not pissed. What is wrong with you?
DAD and STEPMOM: ....
CARMEN:I need my Qualudes, Bitch! I shall storm out in a tantrum and then get even more pissed because you are not looking for me, even though there is nothing that could have happened to me. Thus, I shall throw a rock through your kitchen window as an expression of Marxist solidarity with the oppressed Mexican maid an expression of my teen angst.
DAD: ......
CARMEN: Wait. My girlfriends made me show up at the wedding after all.
DAD: Everyone, let's stop the wedding in the middle to allow mypsychotic little daughter to be a bridesmaid because otherwise she'll trash the house again she is part of the family.
ACT VI
THE END. THANK YOU!
ALL FOUR GIRLS: We learned a VALUABLE LESSON about womanhood.
PRODUCERS: If it does well, maybe there will be a sequel.
AUDIENCE: Commits mass suicide at the prospect.
THE END
ACT I
MEET THE
BRIDGET: Hi! You should like me because I am busty, tall, and aggressive. I must be cool because everyone says I am.
LENA: Hi! I have no looks, no personality, and no taste in clothes. I am the real underdog here, so you should like me.
TIBBY: Hi! You should like me because I am a Goth. By that I mean, my hair is a bit ratty, I don't wear flowery clothes and I think people are kinda mean.
CARMEN: Hi! You should like me because I am Latina.
ALL TOGETHER: We have nothing in common but we are the bestest friends ever. Because the author says so.
ALL: Go to thrift shop, and participate in lengthy EXPOSITION which establishes that LENA is off to GREECE (will anyone notice she is gone?), BRIDGET is off to an-all girls SOCCER CAMP (AUDIENCE briefly hopes for a Lesbian subplot. AUDIENCE remembers which movie this is, and the hope dies), CARMEN is off to visit her WHITEBREAD FATHER in SOUTH CAROLINA where she will
ALL: find a pair of genes which fits LENA, BRIDGET and TIBBY
CARMEN: I will not try them on.
TRAVELING PANTS: fit them all and are doomed to serve as an exuse to connect four unconnected stories by being shipped around, as product placement for USPS
ALL: Perform minor breaking and entering, also bond in a sisterly way that is so estrogen heavy, women in the audience start to OVULATE.
ACT II
BRIDGET IS A
DANGERMOUSIE: I will narrate each GIRL's story separately to save brain cells. Enough of them have perished during the viewing.
BRIDGET: SOCCER CAMP! Yay!
SOCCER GIRLS: Irrelevant conversation to prolong running time.
AUDIENCE: *frets* Are there going to be lesbians?
BRIDGET: And there is apparently one
AUDIENCE: *sighs, disappointed*
PRODUCERS: A bit more of this, and we could use this flick as torture for hostile aliens!
BRIDGET: I will now prove that I am deeply troubled and fragile by being aggressive, really good at soccer, interacting well with my peers, and REALLY going after attractive and sweet ERIC, who any straight woman with eyes would find hot.
AUDIENCE: *meek* We thought if you were troubled and fragile, you would wear bizarre clothing, have body piercings, do drugs, have disturbing sexual habits, and contemplate prostitution as a career path out of self-loathing. Sort of like that
DANGERMOUSIE: Yes, I will bring Hayden Christensen into everything. Why do you ask?
BRIDGET: I am troubled, because I say so. All sexually aggressive and confident women are troubled. Besides, I am clearly 30 but I think I am 17. Is that troubled enough for ya?
*SHE then proceeds to do everything but force ERIC to receive a blow job. Exhausted, he gives in and they have SEX on the beach.*
BRIDGET:
ERIC: Even though you chased me until I had nowhere left to run, this is somehow my fault. You are
ACT III
LENA IS A
LENA: I am on a picture-perfect Greek island. I am cute because I cannot ride a donkey and because I have a huge family who WE NEVER SEE AGAIN
FAMILY: Yeah. It's tough finding work when you are left over from MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING
LENA: I am an artist therefore I will sketch. This will give me depth that I sorely need. Alas, it cannot give me drawing talent.
DEUS EX MACHINA: To make the movie end sometime before the next millennium, I will push LENA into the water. Also, maybe she will DROWN. Win-win here, people.
KOSTAS: I will rescue you!
AUDIENCE: *boos*
LENA: Maintains lack of personality. Also, grimaces at a fish KOSTAS hands her, jealous because the FISH is upstaging her with its screen presence.
KOSTAS: Even though I am older, attractive, with a nice personality and apparently an undamaged brain, I am going to ask you out and keep on asking, even though you have all the good points of that really smelly fish you just released. Only you can't swim as well. I will persist even though you refuse.
LENA: We will go on a romantic moonlit date on your boat, and I will talk about my three best friends, whom you've never met, in great detail.
KOSTAS: I will listen attentively because I
LENA'S FAMILY: OMG! He is from a family we have a quaint picturesque feud with. So you can never see him. Or else we will do to you what Amrish Puri did to his victims in INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.
DANGERMOUSIE: First she is in picturesque Greece. Now there is a star-crossed feud. For some reason I am getting flashbacks to BOLLYWOOD.
AUDIENCE: Plot and conflict at last!
LENA: But pleeeeeaaaase. He's cute.
LENA'S FAMILY: OK.
AUDIENCE: Nooooooooooooooooo!
PRODUCERS: Suckers!
ACT IV
TIBBY LEARNS
TIBBY: I am in need of a life lesson. Because I think a lot of people are losers. Which is, OMG, so evil!
BAILEY: I am a cute, angelic 12-year old.
TIBBY: Bugger off! Can't you see I am an auteur because I have a video camera and my hair is a bit blue?
BAILEY: I am dying of
TIBBY: Oh. Let's play and be sisters.
BAILEY: *Dies*
ACT V
CARMEN IS A
CARMEN: Dad, how come you are completely whitebread and skinny, and MOM is skinny and also really light, but I look like I am auditioning for a
DAD: .....
STEPMOM: Hi! We are your new family! I am nice and Southern, and so are my two children. The son is also
CARMEN: *Rage* How dare you have a Mexican maid in your house? How dare you make me your bridesmaid and then tell the seamstress to let the dress out when it proves to be too small???!!! Also, I hit your son in the head playing tennis
DAD and STEPMOM: ....
CARMEN:
DAD: ......
CARMEN: Wait. My girlfriends made me show up at the wedding after all.
DAD: Everyone, let's stop the wedding in the middle to allow my
ACT VI
THE END. THANK YOU!
ALL FOUR GIRLS: We learned a VALUABLE LESSON about womanhood.
PRODUCERS: If it does well, maybe there will be a sequel.
AUDIENCE: Commits mass suicide at the prospect.
THE END
