Firefly fanfic

[dangermousie]

Title: Don't
Fandom: Firefly
Disclaimer: Don't own blah, blah
Spoilers and Ship: Mal/Inara, set after Heart of Gold
Rating: No idea. PG?
Summary: Don't wish for what you can't have, don't be jealous of what is not yours.



The ancient tea ceremony, relic of Earth-that-was, is soothing. She pours with practiced ease. The motion is graceful and fluid and controlled. If her hands shake a little as she holds the delicate cup, it is merely because of exhaustion.

Inara Serra, registered Companion, inspiration of poets and desire of men, is in a cage of don'ts.

Don't look at Mal's eyes because of what you might see in them. But she can't help and sneak looks when he is distracted, and sometimes their eyes meet, and she survives it, and it makes her want more, and that is the most dangerous thing.

Don't talk to Mal too much because there are too many things unsaid, and the pauses get longer, each time. But she can't help but want to talk to him, even though it usually ends up in hurt anger or angry hurt, or infinite permutations of the two. She always looks forward to it, and tries not to think of whys.

Don't wish for what you can't have, don't be jealous of what is not yours. But even though Nandi is dead and waves of guilt are making her faintly sick despite the tea, Inara can't help but picture Mal's hands on Nandi's skin, Mal's mouth against her throat, Mal with Nandi, always with Nandi, in a horrible, inescapable loop. And she knows she wishes it had been her, and she had to bite back "but he is mine!" back on the Moon, and she shrinks from her childish, useless cry on the hard dusty floor. And she remembers the feel of his mouth, even though he doesn't, and if she concentrates less than she should, she will imagine him coming to her, and the heat of his skin against her, his fingers tangled in her hair.

Don't fall in love. It is unprofessional, it interferes, it hurts. She does not analyze this don't too close, afraid of what she will find. Certain of it, if she is honest with herself, and it's late and she is tired of pretending, and has no strength to keep up the charade. But she always finds her strength again in the morning, somehow, and the mask is put on and Inara retreats.

She sips her tea in measured rhythm, poised and serene. Inara Serra, registered Companion, practiced and untouched. Inara Serra, bound in a cage of don'ts, twisting against the self-made bars.

Comments

[wisdomeagle]

Got here from friendsfriends -- I'm not generally an Inara/Mal fan, but the language here is very compelling -- I love the final image, "bound in a cage of don'ts, twisting against the self-made bars." Thank you for writing.

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *blushes*

[poisontaster]

This is really beautiful. I really loved the bookends of the cage of don'ts; it resonated perfectly. The piece is very much like Inara herself. Thanks for sharing!

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much for reviewing!

[lpmufinfiend.livejournal.com]

Mmmm, tea and angst. I love seeing women restraining themselves in ship as the men do, afraid of what they'll do unleashed. Mostly you see hormonally charged, unbridledly passionate males struggling to keep themselves in line. Refreshing to see that same angsty, eloquent animalness in a female character! In short, I love it!

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

I always wonder why tea is supposed to be so calming (though I have fond memories of my family drinking it late at night, together).

It's very funny because I don't think Inara is afraid of the physical side of passion (except for losing control) because it's her stock in trade, but the emotional committment scares her. Unusual.

[vierran45.livejournal.com]

Wah! I really like your fics.

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

Thank you...

I am a sucker for angst.

[vierran45.livejournal.com]

Really? I never noticed - not :D.

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

Oh...I must be so lacking in subtlety! *weeps*

:D

[sg1padawan.livejournal.com]

That was beautiful. And so completely how I see the Mal/Inara 'dance' in their relationship.

And she knows she wishes it has been her

Love that line. Because it's true. It's never said, but you can see it in the way she cries in that scene in HOG. She does wish it had been her.

I agree with poisontaster - that last line is brilliant. Perfectly Inara.

Great work!

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

And I think it freaks her out even more, that she is wishing that. Basically, Nandi just got something she pretended she didn't want (even to herself) but really desperately wants. And she can't have it only because of her self-made rules. If she just made a move, Mal would be only hers in a nanosecond, and stay that way forever. Guuuuuuh.

[sg1padawan.livejournal.com]

And she can't have it only because of her self-made rules. If she just made a move, Mal would be only hers in a nanosecond, and stay that way forever. Guuuuuuh.

I'll second your Guuuuuuh and raise it with a *whimper*. The whole situation just makes me want to either comfort Mal or shake Inara (more the latter!), make her see what's right in front of her. Or maybe she DOES see what's right in front of her - I got an inkling of that during the 'truthsome' scene at the end; that she had an idea what Mal was going to say but didn't want to hear it because she'd crumble - but she's just too afraid of letting her control slip for a bit. She always seems so in control of the situation. That loss of control (being herself around Mal, letting him know how she really feels, and LETTING him tell her what HE feels) would freak her out.

And now I'm babbling. But I love this 'ship so much that is has that affect on me. *thwaps self*

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

crumpeteer and I have been discussing this very thing in my Mal/Inara post below. Do join *begs shamelessly*

Inara is being positively insane, because of what she is giving up in exchange for her illusion of control, which she doesn't have anyway, if her reaction to Mal/Nandi is anything to go by.

You risk getting hurt and giving up control in a relationship, but I would think someone like Mal, who would take care of her and love her till the end of the world, is more than worth that.

Definitely Inara-shaking time.

[kmazzy.livejournal.com]

awww. that was lovely. i need more Mal/Inara. the angst is so delicious.

thank you.

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

I just need Mal/Inara fix, period. Is it September yet? :)

[anr]

Oh, that's lovely. A very well-written look at Inara and Mal/Inara.

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I love your icon! *shippy sigh*

[anr]

Thank you! :)

[jasadin.livejournal.com]

wow. that was v.good. ACtually it was the first Firefly fic ive read in ages. Ive been taking a break, cause ive been getting into the West Wing. But this was a great way to get back into things.
Ive missed mal and nara
cant wait till september. keep writing!

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I know, I can't wait till September either!

[xanya.livejournal.com]

This is absolutley gorgeous and one of the best Mal/Inara fics I've read (well, I haven't read all that many because I don't know where to find them! I've read all on ff.net - is there anywhere else? Anyway, I've read A LOT of fics in my time, so I guess that qualifies me as a judge), even though it was quite short. I loved the image of a cage of don'ts. But ARGH the whole "don't fall in love" was almost heart breaking, and they really needed to get together right now. The characterization was great. I think you should definitely write more. Please? Cool. All in all, a really well written fic that was perfect in its longing. Good stuff!

[dangermousie.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

I love your icon, it's one of my favorite scenes.

they really needed to get together right now

Oh yes! *nods fervently* I can't wait till September!