dangermousie | An open letter to romance novelists

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An open letter to romance novelists

After reading a bunch of romance novels and emerging with my sanity sort of intact, here are the four things I want all the romance novelists to note:

1. If I never see the word "rake" in the book title, it will be too soon. Unless said book is about gardening.

2. There were no turkeys in Medieval England. Just trust me on that one.

3. "Her core was molten lava" is never a good thing unless you are describing a mad scientist's doomsday devise.

4. Well-behaved, reserved, socially conscious and conventionally gentlemanly men can be attractive. More so then the undoubtedly syphilis-ridden bad boys with caveman manners you seem to prefer.

I did find two books I really like, which deserve their own post (Suzanne Enoch's England's Perfect Hero and Lisa Kleypas' Because You Are Mine) so not all was wasted.

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The abundance of rakes makes me think that either (a)no woman actually got married as a virgin, even if her father kept her locked in a closet from the day she was born and (b) the courtesans and married women/widows who take lovers never have a chance to get out of bed. In fiction, of course.

I now live in fear of encountering the book #3 is from.

I've generally enjoyed Enoch and Kleypas, though I haven't read either in a few years. Enoch's regencies stopped grabbing me as much after a while (once she got really popular, basically), but I liked the contemporary books she wrote about a Godzilla movie-loving thief who hooks up with a rich British dude and habitually breaks into his house to keep in shape after she quits being a thief. She only wrote a few of those, though.

I don't remember which book the lava thing was from as they all started to blend together after a while - it's a huge pity as I wish I remembered the author so I'd know to stay away from her in the future.

The Enoch book I read had a hero with severe war-related PTSD and remarkably commonsense heroine. The Kleypas one actually felt like it involved real Victorians (and shockingly nobody was a Duke - the hero wasn't even upperclass and stayed that way). Both heroines seemed smart and heroes were in no need of reform of their morals and were hardworking. It was very refreshing (sadly, other stuff available on Kindle for Enoch was same old same old, but there are several promising Kleypas titles I plan to investigate further).

If you want a good laugh (unless you're looking for mind bleach), you should try All About Romance's Purple Prose sections. Examples:

"If I have to read about petals opening one more time, I think I'll barf right on someone's manroot!"

"I can't remember the author but someone referred to a part of the female anatomy as pouting nipples. Quick. . . someone cheer them up!!!"

OH MY GOD.

*dies*

See I kind of want to check that Kleypas out now, I've always appreciated how she was more willing to have lower class people or heroes in her books vs it being all super upper crust folk/born with a silver spoon in their mouth guys ALL THE TIME. Maybe I will. *crosses fingers that the hero is not too alpha/macho*

He is sorta alpha but I am a bad judge - everyone has a different definition.

I like Lisa Kleypas in general; her latest book in the Hathaways series is my favourite from her. It's called "Love In The Afternoon". Think Cyrano de Bergerac, except with the roles reversed. Loved it.

Oh I kind of really want to check that one out! It's on my to read list :D Glad to hear you liked it, I am tired of disappointment! /dramatic. lol

Oooooh, sounds good.

No. Seriously, hon. Tell us what you really think....

Was I too retiring? :)

I just finished the newest Loretta Chase, and its the only one of hers I'd liked a lot since her classic Lord of Scoundrels.

It's called Last Night's Scandal and its on kindle. The OTP are young, and BFFs since childhoood. I love their relationship, very realistic and sweet and funny. It's not very challenging to read, but entertained me and I didn't FF-d like I do to 99% of romance novels I read lately.

So I liked bits of it but it bugged me, that novel. Maybe because she seriously I felt like EVERY OTHER PAGE she was reminding us about the ~SEXUAL TENSION~. and I was like, OMG WE GET IT. STFU NOW. I mean I want to be able to read sexual tension from their actions and words and little subtle things, and like if she did it once in a while ok but seriously over and over and over and it took me out of the story EVERY time. and This is hardly the first time she does this. and I feel like she's doing this alot more in her recent work than in her older novels (cause I read all those and dont remember having this problem but it was sometime ago so...) and its just like -_- it bugs. Aside from that though this was one of her better books to be sure. I didnt enjoy as much as I'd have liked too though :(

I read LC a long time ago. Like - really long, as in high school. I can't even remember if I liked her books. But this sounds fun.

1. Rake! I always think of the gardening tool when they do that.

2. Seriously? Turkeys? Huh.

3. Okay, I want to add: The word 'member' should be stricken from the English vocabulary in this context. So should 'manhood', 'throbbing', and 'gasp'.

I mean, the last isn't really a word anyway, so...

1. Me too. I am all 'don't step on it.'

2. Yes, heroine told a joke involving turkeys. I wanted to hide under the sofa.

3. hahahahahaha

Romance novels are like the makjang of my literary selections. They're so bad they're good. I like Julia Quinn's, specially her Bridgerton books.

I also read one recently, At Last Comes Love by Mary Balogh. It's the third in a series of four, but it's the only one I read.

Well-behaved, reserved, socially conscious and conventionally gentlemanly men can be attractive. I'm with you here. :)

Yes, they are my makjang too.

I need to check out Balogh. I haven't read anything of hers in years.

1. Forever I will think of raking leaves when I see this word. Not but actually this word has become a helpful tool for me in helping me pick out novels. If I even see the word Rake anywhere in the excerpt or summary on the back or title, I avoid that book. Because I am so very sick of rakes and the ~virtuous ladies~ who love them. *hurls*
I know romance genre is not known for it's startling originality but damn if an author cant at least be a LEEETLE creative with her plot or character ideas, then I dont need to be reading their book. much too busy to spend time on books that are boring and riddled with cliches. (plus rakes are usually gross man whores with drinking problems or in my mind that's what they are, never in the novels are they acknowledged that way)

Lisa Kleypas! I've read a few of her books. She's good, but she does like her Alpha heroes. I am not really a fan of alphas and I mean I liked her Travis Family trilogy and all but more for the girls than the guys (well, I did kind of like Hardy tbh :x) otherwise the Alpha ness is a mega turn off for me. Like Dreaming of You is apparently a popular historical of hers, so I checked it out and uhh it wasnt bad and I appreciated that he wasnt born into wealth but the fact is he was still HELLA insanely wealthy which kinda wigged me out how crazy rich he was but also his personality was uber serious and brooding and aggressive and domineering and uh NO. I dont think he was an alpha-asshole like alot of alpha romance heroes tend to be but he was kind of overbearing tbh. So yeah, I dont always get into her novels largely because of that. Man I need more romance novels that are willing to play with power dynamics this man = strong and in charge thing bores the bejeezus out of me. -_-

Carla Kelly is one Regency/historical author who consistently resists this temptation of alpha heroes. And also breaks the hero=aristocrat mold. I've read all but 1-2 of her novels, and she's featured doctors (3 times-- 2 military surgeons, 1 country doctor), bailiffs, merchants, ... and in one case, a lord with a strong academic penchant (an Oxford fellow) opposite a cross-dressing heroine. Her upper class heroes, often war veterans, also tend to avoid the ton, which means her heroines rarely hail from that milieu.

In the contemporary category, Kathleen Gilles Seidel comes to mind as an author who favors beta heroes, but she hasn't written much in recent years, and her books may be out of print. Romance's loss...

See, if a hero is not alpha (unless he is damaged in some major way), I won't read. I can't stand beta guys in fiction or in rl, probably because I have a really pushy bulldozer personality and anyone less than bulldozer himself would probably get steamrolled (one of the reasons I fell for Mr Mousie was because he'd argue with me and not just meekly do what I say).

Plus, I like uber-serious so Kleypas is made for me.

Actually tbh I kind of hate the whole alpha/beta labeling. Like men come in two flavors, pushy and jerky or friendly/nice and passive. I hate that dichotomy. It doesnt work that way! When I said I hate alpha guys, I dont mean I dislike guys with a strong personality or character cause IMO you can absolutely have a strong personality or be a leader/take charge person and not be A) a bossy boots or B)a pushy jerk/bully. To me strong means he can handle his business and you can rely on him when you are in need (for whatever thing) and also someone who has strong principles and beliefs that they stick by. But it also means a guy who wont necessarily need to feel like he is running the show all the dang time. He can step out of his comfort zone, he can defer to his lady at times or you know take her advice cause he trusts her judgement and feels he can rely on her too, for more than just "womanly" things. and Not because he has to, or needs to cause he cant make decisions or act on his own but because he wants to, he likes to. Alot of times I see strength getting conflated with how loud or aggressive the guy is, how many properties he owns or money he has, how many women he's slept with, how much he can drink, how many fights he fought, how snarky he is, he much of an asshole he is etc. Not all of them are that bad but...like with Kleypas her heroes strike me very much as fantasy men, there to take care of everything and be ~strong~ but also just broken enough that the heroine has something to heal/fix without altering the guy completely. I rarely feel like her heroes and heroines are connecting to each other as people but rather as archetypes. The good bookish heroine, the rough and tumble bad boy. I dont mean any of that as a slight on her writing either, its just what I want is different from what she usually offers. I guess what I was saying was vague and alpha is a broad term and in general I dislike it but its a good shorthand when talking about romance novel archetypes. I guess what I am saying is I dont want to look at a hero in a story and think "this guy is a beta or an alpha" i dont want to see an archetype I want to see a human being. I know its just a fictional story and romance thrives on these archetypes but still. I mean I've found heroes I liked so it's possible! lol. I remember what I appreciated about the hero of Loretta Chase's Mr Impossible was he was clearly a handy physically strong guy to have around and he had a sense of responsibility to those round him but he was also pretty funny/goofy, light hearted and willing to look past his own ego to let his lady shine and didnt mind her thinking she was smarter or letting her run things/tell him what to do without actually losing his sense of autonomy and he does eventually show his more serious side, get to be dashing and heroic and also prove himself to the heroine as a capable smart guy in his own right cause at first she does look down on him a bit. Whereas he was impressed with her from the beginning. He seemed very secure in himself to me as a result. He doesnt need to dominate the heroine in any fashion in order to prove his masculinity to her or the readers. I think macho antics have their place, for instance a guy who wins in a sword fight, that's cool. A guy who feels the need to use his physical power or size or money/status as leverage against his love interest either in seriousness or jest, is less endearing. and I see it ALOT. I remember a Judith Ivory novel where the hero tied up the heroine to a chair and they had sex, I say sex and not rape because despite the heroine never asking him to do so, or hinting at it even, she seemed pretty satisfied and comfortable with it after. Its obvious the author thought it was hot and expected us readers to find it hot too. I guess some women might find it sexy and thats totally fine in fact but I do feel annoyed that this fantasy is catered to so much in romance and mine rarely ever almost never is. But yeah that's what I meant by I dont like "alpha" guys. Also as for uber serious, I dont mind serious guys as a rule it just depends how the seriousness manifests itself. I love Stefan from TVD afterall ;)

#2 caused me to snort!

Hee, this entire list is fabulous.

Thank you :)

I left this page open in a tab for two days meaning to respond. Since I'm home sick I will now.

I've been reading romance novels steadily the last few months. Mostly listening actually.

1. Here, this to infinity. Was the term even that popular in Victorian/Regency England. Rake = really big asshole in quite a few books.

2. Or girls named Jennifer. I stopped reading one last week over that one.

3. That sounds like it was be very bad and painful toward his.... shaft of manliness?

4. Everyone was so damned pretty!

I need some new books. Comments mentioned Kleypas. I'm pretty sure the only of hers I've finished was Again the Magic. I'm giving her another shot although I hate books in a "series".

I like Julie Garwood although her midevils are completely "wallpaper", I think you call it.

Hope you feel better!

1. They had to have gotten it from somewhere. Whether 19th century or not, I have no idea, but I loathe the term.

2. Jennifer???????????????? My God. The worst I came across was Jason.

3. LOLOLOLOL All the euphemisms for male and female anatomy crack me up. Heroes also frequently have iron thighs. That sounds unpleasant.

I tried one of Kleypa books and liked it - the one mentioned in the post (no idea if it was in a series, but it stood on its own).

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An open letter to romance novelists

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Sorry for the long comment D: or you can just look at my icon and infer my point from there lol

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